Update: As soon as I hit publish the phone rang and there was a message left saying Ashley needed to be seen by her doctor this morning or taken to the ER. Wow...I think the Father was working to prepare my heart this morning for what today had in store. It doesn't get much more real than this in my life.
"Therefore I say unto you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink: not about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
So why do you worry...Consider the lilies of the field how they grow, they neither toil nor spin; ...
Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you? Oh ye of little faith.
Therefore do not worry...
For your Heavenly Father KNOWS that you need these things.
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
Therefore DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own troubles.
This morning I read this passage of scripture and the words jumped off the pages and spoke directly to my heart. I thought to myself how much I want to live, really live ,"put into action" kind of live this passage in my life. I want so desperately to approach the day with this ingrained into my heart so that as the struggles of today arise I can rest assured KNOWING that my Heavenly Father has this under His control and there is no need for me to worry over any of it.
Dave called with Ashley's lab results... and... my heart began to race and I found myself saying to him, "WE need to do something to stop this. WE have to figure something out!" I could feel the panic begin to rise inside of me.
how short is my memory? I hung up the phone and read it again and then wondered aloud, "but how"?
How do I not worry when I see the decline? When I see the numbers there in black in white telling us that there is trouble brewing and if it continues to brew then the eventual end will be devastating. How do I do this exactly? You know the whole "put into action" kind of life I so desperately want to live? The whole no need to worry part of scripture that I clearly felt God using to speak to my heart this morning?
I read it again. I didn't find one word that told me it would be easy, but I did find several words that reassured me He has this too under HIS control. He does.
So even when the numbers cause tears to well up in my eyes and I can feel the tremble in my own voice and the insides of me feel sick I know that He fed the birds this morning and he dressed the fields and that Ashley Kate is so much more to Him than those and He does indeed love her.
So then I kept reading and I came across these words...
"Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.
What man is there among you who if his son asks for a piece of bread will give him a stone?
Or if he asks for a fish will give him a serpent.
If you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, HOW MUCH MORE will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!
I thought how very much I love my son. How much I love my beautiful Allie. My sweet Ashley. There is nothing I would deny them if they needed it and I could provide. Nothing. I love them with every single part of my being. How much more does my Heavenly Father love us? So much so that Jesus died so that we could know Him! That is a tremendous amount of love.
I'm not naive enough to not know how this works. I know the things I ask need to be in accordance with His will. I know that my heart has to be seeking His righteousness and not just what I desire. See...thats the tricky part. To be honest with you that is the scary part. Because what if...what if what His will is for my sweet Ashley is different than what I want for her? What if His will is not to sustain her liver? What if His will is not to allow her to stay with us? What if...what then?
I don't know the answer. I truly don't. I just know that I don't have to worry about her and I can ask Him for what I want for her. He allows me that. He does. His word just told me so.
So for today...I'm trying not get ahead of where we are...trying not to worry about her...and I'm asking for her numbers to improve.
Today's troubles are enough for today and for today she is happy and home. That IS enough for today. It is.
I found peace in that today.