The moment she left us something inside of me broke. I can't explain to anyone what happened. I don't understand how to put into words what happened to me that morning. I just know that I am broken. Forever broken. Changed. I am not who I was.
Every single morning I open my eyes and tears spill onto my pillow. I lay my head down and close my eyes each night and the tears spill from them. Throughout each day tears run down my cheeks. I drive down the road and the tears fall. I sit at soccer practice and cry so hard I can hardly breathe. I watch Blake play ball and wipe the tears from the brim of my eyes hoping to catch them before anyone sees them fall. The only time I don't cry is when I sleep. I struggle to make it through each day.
God gave us the most amazing gift. 8 years and 29 mornings later He took her away. I don't know why. I don't understand. I just know that He broke my heart the moment He allowed hers to stop beating. I always knew I could not change His plan. No matter how many prayers were prayed or what words were or weren't spoken...His plan was His alone and I was helpless to change the course of it. I had just hoped that His plan would allow her to grow up. To stay.
I don't know who I am anymore. I am so lost. I was Ash's mom. It was who I was. It was what I did every day. I'm no longer her mom. She was the best part of me. The best of all of us. We aren't us anymore. We are broken and fractured. No longer whole. My days are long and empty. I miss her so much. I miss her laughter... Her joy. Our home is so empty. Its so quiet. We all miss her presence in our lives. More than anything I miss being her mom.
Dave and I both agree that it gets harder every day. It doesn't get easier and anyone who tells you that it does is lying. As the days without her in our lives stack on top of each other we realize that the world kept going without her and it hurts so very much. Each date on the calendar causes more pain. We talk about her everyday. She is so much a part of who we were that we can't figure out who we are supposed to be without her.
Occasionally a letter will arrive or a message will be sent and I'm so very grateful to know that someone thought of her that day. They remembered her. They didn't forget that she was here. I'm so grateful to those of you who take the time to let us know that she is on your heart.
People wonder how we are doing. I don't write or share it often because there is no happy ending here. We get up each day because of Blake and Allison. If it weren't for them I know I'd never get up again. We are there for them. We are at their games. We are involved. We attend all of their activities. We are still good parents. We just happen to have broken hearts.
This is so very hard.