tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-337353052024-03-13T16:06:48.109-05:00Ashley's StoryShe will leave fingerprints all over your heartAshleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.comBlogger2726125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-60636889957655117312023-08-04T21:34:00.003-05:002023-08-04T21:34:49.345-05:00EighteenSweet Ash its your 18th birthday today.
I mean it would have been your 18th.
Could have been your 18th.
If only things had gone differently. 10 years out from the last birthday we celebrated together and I still don't have the answers, the understanding, or the ability to make it all make sense in my head. Or my heart.
I try so hard to imagine who you would be today. What would you look like. How much would you have grown. What would you have learned, mastered or accomplished by now. I just can't see any of that. What I do see though is your beauty. I remember it. Your breathtaking beauty that to this day causes me to pause as I stare at the photos of you. Oh sweet girl you were so beautiful. Not just your outward beauty but your soul that shined through your eyes and caused us all to catch our breath in your presence. God created you with such a spirit inside of you that it spilled out all over us. I so desperately miss seeing the very essence of who you were through your eyes.
Today was a mix of hard and beautiful. Tears were shed. Hearts ached. Arms longed for you. Dad and I pushed ourselves again this year to make sure we honored your life to the best of our ability. On a day that we could so easily hide from the world and privately remember you we chose to open the door and step into what we felt God leading us to do. The emotions we feel as we plan and prepare for your birthday each year are so tough to feel. Sometimes I wish that I could numb my heart from the hurt, but still I am determined to celebrate your life. Regardless of the emotional cost...
I share you.
I share your life.
I share your story.
You were ours but I learned early on in your life that you weren't just ours. Your life was meant for something bigger. From the moment we chose to share you with the world I watched as your story began to change it. Hearts were touched. Lives were changed. Eternity became real. Your story led others to His story. What a legacy. Such a tiny girl that God used in so many lives. I'm so blessed to have been your mom. I'm so proud of who you were. I'm so grateful. Undeserving of you, but humbled to have been allowed to love you and take care of you. I'll never get over it.
Happy Birthday Ashley Kate. You are so loved my girl. So very loved by us all. I miss you kid and look forward to the day that I will see you again. Until then...
Forever loved... forever missed...forever eight.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-73480098474027496002022-08-04T22:35:00.001-05:002022-08-04T22:35:19.128-05:00Would have been 17 today<p> Dear Ash,</p><p>I sit here alone with my memories of you .</p><p>Some happy and some sad.</p><p>Some good and some bad.</p><p>Some bring joy and others bring sorrow.</p><p>Still some comfort me and others seem to torment me.</p><p>Through them all I remain grateful. Grateful because...</p><p>I got to love you.</p><p>I got to hold you.</p><p>I got to sing to you. </p><p>I got to kiss you.</p><p>I played with you and took care of you.</p><p>I fell on my knees and I prayed for you.</p><p>I pleaded to God for you.</p><p>I begged Him to move for you.</p><p>I cried out for deliverance for you. For mercy for you. For healing for you. </p><p>He did move Ash. He did. He did deliver you. He did. He did heal you. He did. He showed mercy... Not how I wanted Him to... but I now know that He did. </p><p>And now He is the one who holds you instead of me. He now protects you where I failed to be able to.</p><p>He made you new. You are whole. You are healed.</p><p>And I am grateful. </p><p><br /></p><p>Today would have been your birthday. Your 17th. I still find it hard to imagine how the years have continued to pass without you here with us. Its now been 9 birthdays that you have spent away from us and in the presence of Jesus. How has that happened? I fail to understand how our lives have continued since the moment yours ended. </p><p>We spent the day remembering you. </p><p>Dad and I looked through hundreds of photographs and watched countless videos of you. We smiled...and...we cried. I feel as though I've spent the entire day with tears washing over my face. Tears since I woke. Tears as we took gifts to the hospital in your memory today. Tears as I sat across the table from your dad at lunch and listened to him try and imagine what a 17 year old Ashley would be like. We both agreed that you would be beautiful...and opinionated. That last part made us laugh through the tears. I'm sure at 17 you would still be frustrated by our attempts to figure out your requests. Oh how I would have loved to have your 17 year old self here to be upset with me! I shed more tears as we took birthday flowers to the place where you now rest. I have such a hard time knowing that the only thing I have left of being your mom is taking flowers to your resting place. Its the last piece of "taking" care of you that I have. So that is what I do. I take flowers to you and place pink and white ribbons at your memorial. I go there and try to make such a place beautiful for you (as though a place in a cemetery could actually be beautiful). </p><p>We spent the day celebrating you. Spilling kindness on others through random acts throughout the day. We ended the day walking hand in hand talking about you. Remembering how incredibly blessed we were for the years that God gave you to us. Ash, you were so very loved. Still you are so very loved. </p><p>You are missed again today. Just like you are every day since you left. </p><p>Our beautiful, beautiful eight year old Ashley. Happy "17th" Birthday sweet girl. </p><p>Your Daddy loves you, Blake loves you, Allie loves you and your mom loves you. Today and forever.</p><p><br /></p><p>Forever loved...forever missed...forever eight</p>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-80439081872844747022021-08-04T23:23:00.003-05:002021-08-04T23:23:47.074-05:00Sweet Sixteen<p> Its August 4th, 2021 and we are now in the final hours of what would have been your 16th birthday. I'm staring at the clock on the wall just as I've been staring at the date on my calendar for the last few weeks knowing that this day was coming and knowing again that you would not be here with us to celebrate it.</p><p> Time is a tricky thing. I fail to understand how a date on the calendar can reduce me into a trembling mess of emotions and yet it does. It always does. So I sit here crying. Again, I'm crying. Because even though it seems as though I just laid my eyes on you for the first time I haven't really seen you, or touched you, or heard your laughter, or smelled your hair in so very long. How does that work? I cant explain it. I just miss you. So very much. I miss everything about you. I miss everything that the last 8 years since you left could have been. I don't even know what those days were going to hold, but I miss the possibilites of them just the same. </p><p>Ashley Kate, who would you be at 16? How tall would you have grown? How beautiful would your mature face be? Your hair? I'm sure it would still be long, and dark, and oh so sweet smelling. Would you have found your voice by now? I wonder what it could have sounded like if only it hadn't been stolen away from you. Daddy and I talked about that just today. Your voice... we barely had a chance to hear you use it. Your eyes spoke the loudest to us all. You said so very much with those twinkly eyes of yours. Your hands, the signs and gestures you personalized...how much more could you have said to us over the last 8 years? I lay awake just wondering, imagining, and wishing you hadn't gone. Still I know in the deepest parts of my heart that you were only meant to be here for such a little while. Your purpose had been determined long before you became mine. God knew from the beginning. He had a plan for your life. I didn't know or understand it, but I do believe that you did what you were called to do. You lived your 8 years fulfilling that design and when it was completed He took you back unto Himself. As much as it hurt to watch you leave, and still hurts that you are gone, I find peace in that knowledge. In the beliefs that I hold, for if I didn't believe these things I would not have survived losing you. </p><p>If you had been here today to celebrate I know we would have gone on a drive. A really long one. Just to watch you smile in our rearview mirror as the trees passed by outside your window. I would have rolled your window down so your could have felt the wind blowing in your hair. We would have hit those rumble strips to hear the laughter spill out of you. I'm sure daddy would have driven circles in a parking lot for you as you begged him to "swing" the car. Oh how you loved to be in the car! I know you wouldn't have been able to drive like most 16 year old girls on their birthdays, but I also know you wouldn't have even know you were "supposed" to. I loved that about you. Loved that you just loved your life with no concern for what it wasn't or what you couldn't do. So precious it was to see the world through your eyes sweet Ash! You were a gift to us all. The gift of our lifetimes. </p><p>Happy Birthday my beautiful girl. You are so very loved today. You are so very missed by all of us. Forever you will remain just 8 years old. 16 was never in His plan. I'm learning... still learning to lean into that truth. He is in control of all of our days and He holds onto you now that we no longer can. I love you sweet girl, Mom.</p><p><br /></p><p>Forever loved...forever missed...forever eight. </p>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-85934733570564705462020-08-04T23:32:00.000-05:002020-08-04T23:32:23.169-05:0015You would have been 15 today. I can't. Seriously, I can't wrap my mind around the thought of what today could have been...should have been? <div><br /></div><div>There was so much more I wanted...more photos...more memories...more laughs...more moments...more days...more years...more time. I wanted you to live. I wanted you to never leave. I wanted you to survive. I wanted to keep you home with us for a lifetime. A much longer lifetime than your short 8 years. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'd like to think I've learned so much since your last birthday and yet I feel as though I haven't learned a thing. I long to see you. Long to hold you. Long to keep you. Still, I know that He alone is sovereign. I am not. He alone held your future in His hands. I did not. He knew the number of your days here and I had no idea what that number was going to be. He gave to you each and every breath you breathed including those you desperately struggled for in your last moments. I was helpless to give you another or to ease the struggle you were fighting. My heart is comforted and yet shattered by those truths. He loved you. He did. So much more than I can even fathom, and its because I KNOW that to be true that I must convince myself that His plan was right. It was best. It was for you. Not to harm you for another moment but to ease your suffering and your pain. It was merciful. It was loving. It was what He chose for you. I wan't to kick and scream and fight for you to still be here, but what could I give to you that would ever compare to what He has done for you? I can't even imagine all that you see, and do, and know now. </div><div><br /></div><div>I take comfort in knowing that your pain is no more. I couldn't take the suffering from you, but He could and He did. As much as my heart still bears the scars of that suffering I am grateful that He loved you enough to end it. </div><div><br /></div><div>So on this day that we should have celebrated your 15th year, I instead celebrate that you are whole. You are in His presence. No more tears. No more pain. No more scars. No more fear. No more my precious girl. You will never know those things again. If I could have given you anything on this day it would have been this. I love you sweet Ash. Love you even more today as the calendar keeps changing from year to year. Never have I ever stopped. You were the most beautiful gift. The gift of a lifetime. Nothing will ever compare to the treasure we had while we had you. </div><div><br /></div><div>Happy Birthday Ashley Kate, your mom loves you kid. </div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-7668996309515980292019-08-04T22:16:00.002-05:002019-08-04T22:16:11.994-05:0014 TodaySweet Ash today would have been your day. Your 14th birthday had you been allowed to stay. How very fitting that the moment I opened my eyes this morning I could hear the rain falling outside my window and with tears rolling down my cheeks I smiled. Smiled because you loved the rain. You loved the feel of it on your tongue... your skin...your clothes. You would sit outside and let the drops drench you without a worry in the world. It never mattered to you that you were getting wet. You simply loved the way it felt. I considered the rain this morning to be a gift. A gift for your birthday.<br />
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You've now spent 6 of your birthdays away from our home. I'd like to imagine you were celebrated and surrounded by souls who loved you today, but I know better than that. My belief in Heaven and the little I think I know about it does not support those thoughts. Still I know that you felt loved. I believe you spent your day in the presence of God and He loves you. I know with everything inside of me that He does. So you were loved today. I guess I'm just selfishly hoping that you felt our love today too. Silly I know, but its so very hard as your mom to not wish that you still felt loved by all of us here too. You are still loved Ashley Kate. Every moment of your life and every moment since your eternal life began you have been loved by all of us. <br />
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I've stopped trying to imagine you at these ages you never lived to be. I've settled inside my heart, along with your daddy, that we will always see you and know you as the eight year old beauty that you were. We will always see you as the little girl we knew and loved and nurtured to the very best of our ability. How I wish we had been given more than those 8 years with you, but we didn't get to decide how long you would live. That decision was made by the One who created you. I didn't get to have a say. Still how very blessed am I that I got to be the one you knew as your mom. I'll forever be grateful for that. I didn't deserve you, but I was given you to love and be loved by for a while. <br />
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We spent today celebrating you. Your life and what we learned from you. We spread joy and kindness and happiness to those we came into contact with. We gave gifts in your memory to friends and strangers whom our paths crossed with today. We cried and struggled our way through today too. The longing to spend our days with you, especially your birthday, has not gone away. I know that it never will. I'm ok with the tears. Its part of who I have become since you've left. There is a hole inside of me that aches. A silence in my world that screams inside of me now that your laughter is no longer heard to fill it. I missed you today. I missed kissing your cheeks the very moment you woke. I missed singing happy birthday to you in those early morning hours and watching the smile of recognition spread from your eyes to your lips. I missed hearing your tiny voice cheer in celebration as you woke and realized it was a special day. I just simply missed you on what would have been your 14th birthday. <br />
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My prayer is that the Father whispered into your ear this morning (since I could not) that "Mommy loves Ashley, and Daddy loves Ashley, and Blake loves Ashley, and Allie loves Ashley, and Jesus loves Ashley." That is what I truly asked Him to do today. Tell you that we loved you. Just as I ask Him every single day since you left for Heaven. I sincerely hope that you knew how very loved you were and still are. <br />
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Happy 14th Birthday my beautiful girl. I can only imagine all that your eyes beheld on this day. I know you felt joy like I have never known simply because you were in His presence. We love you Ash. Today and forever. You will be forever loved...forever missed...forever eight.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-57044651100190439752018-12-26T00:17:00.000-05:002018-12-26T00:17:33.720-05:00We missed you this Christmas <div>
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We missed you this Christmas.<br />
Your smile<br />
The twinkle in your eyes<br />
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We missed you this Christmas<br />
The fun of watching you cheer for each gift unwrapped<br />
The excitement on your face<br />
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We missed you this Christmas<br />
Your stocking hung<br />
Daddy’s lap left empty<br />
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We missed you this Christmas<br />
Gifts weren’t bought<br />
A family photo can no longer be taken<br />
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We missed you this Christmas<br />
Precious gift lost<br />
Wish we had more time<br />
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We missed you this Christmas<br />
It’s been 6 now without you<br />
So hard to believe<br />
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We missed you this Christmas<br />
It’s just not the same<br />
Your joy is missing<br />
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Forever missing you Ashley Kate<br />
Forever loving you and<br />
Forever remembering you as eight<br />
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Merry Christmas sweet girlAshleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-66307199067068281552018-08-29T23:40:00.000-05:002018-08-29T23:40:21.951-05:00How can it be 5 years already...I wish I knew.<br />
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It seems like just yesterday she left us, and yet seems like a lifetime ago all at the same time. We haven't seen her...<br />
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or held her...<br />
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or kissed her...<br />
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or touched her...<br />
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in 5 long years. <br />
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How do you survive the death of your child? How do you wake up the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year? I have no idea. Honestly, I don't. You feel as though you won't survive. Your not even sure you want to survive, and yet somehow you keep breathing. Even though breathing hurts, you keep doing it. I'm 5 years into this grief journey that began the day our precious Ash stopped breathing and I am still searching. Scratching and clawing my way through it. Determined to make her life count. Determined to not allow her to be forgotten. Determined to speak her name daily so that she does not disappear from this world. Determined to use what she taught me about living to make my time here matter. Determined to hang on to my faith even on the days when I feel as though its gone.<br />
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The loss of Ashley Kate broke my heart. It truly did. It broke me in a way that cannot be healed outside the gates of Heaven.<br />
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I'm still learning how to live with the burden of grief. Its not an easy lesson to learn. It doesn't come naturally. I read somewhere along the way that grief is just love that no longer has any place to go. I'm not sure how I feel about that statement, but sometimes it makes sense to me. <br />
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5 years past her last morning with us I can tell you this one thing...I miss her. I miss everything about her. I still do. I imagine I always will. She was the most precious thing I ever held. She was beautiful. She was happy. She was so full of JOY. <br />
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Ashley Kate, you are so loved. My sweet girl I miss you more than words could ever convey. How I wish we had been given more time with you. You lived the life you were given more beautifully than any other person I've ever met. You never once worried about your tomorrows. You taught me more about God and His Power than anything. I learned to trust His character even when I felt that what He was doing in our lives was unfair. I'm still learning to lean on Him as I grieve for you my precious girl. I love you. I miss you. Oh how I long to see you again. Until that day I'll keep clinging to my faith in Jesus. You are forever loved...forever missed...forever eight.<br />
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-90065964173975440052018-08-05T01:05:00.001-05:002018-08-05T01:05:48.912-05:0013 Ashley Kate,<br />
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Its 13 minutes past your 13th birthday, and as daddy and I talked about you today I thanked him for saying yes 13 years ago when I called him to let him know about the tiny baby girl who had been born. He didn't hesitate for even a moment that day. His response to my announcement was "Lets go get her." I loved him for that. In that very moment I loved him deeper than I ever had before. I loved him for his willingness to love you. Loved him for his faith that all would be ok. Loved him for not questioning or doubting or faltering for the slightest moment even though we didn't have a plan and had no idea you were coming. When I told this story with your big sister tonight I smiled when I realized we had been married for 13 years when you arrived. I guess the number 13 isn't so unlucky after all. <br />
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I'll be honest and share with you that I never could imagine you at 13. I never got that far. 10...I would lie awake and could picture you...12...I tried so hard when I closed my eyes at night to see you at that age...but 13 I never even dreamed. That truth breaks my heart. I so wish I could have believed you would still be with us at this age, but I never did. Somehow I think I knew somewhere inside me that your work in this life...your calling...your purpose would be fulfilled, and you would have already been called home. The tears are slipping from my eyes as I see that thought spilled out in this letter I'm writing to you on this your 13th birthday. <br />
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I wish you were here to turn 13. I wish your story was still being told. I wish I could know you at this age. I wish more than anything that your journey in this life hadn't ended at just 8 years old. My heart cries out...it screams in a silence that only I can hear. I wanted to hold on to you forever, but knew that I could not. You were never mine to keep. Only shared with us for such a short time. Still the knowing that your life was created to bring glory to Him does not ease the pain of losing you. I'm learning to trust that His ways are higher than mine just as he says. Even though I do not understand Him I am choosing to trust Him. He has you. He is good. <br />
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The most wonderful thing about your birthday today is knowing that this day would have brought you joy. We spent this week concentrating on kindness and spreading joy to others. Its become our birthday celebration in memory of you. We learned so very much from you about joy. We love you sweet girl. We miss you more today than we did yesterday. We have all been forever changed by knowing you. <br />
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Happy Birthday my sweet Ashley Kate. You would have made the most beautiful teenager. Your mom and dad love you more than words could ever convey. I hope with all that is in me that you knew that and felt that every day of your life. <br />
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<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-9922501395557688692017-12-27T11:01:00.001-05:002017-12-27T11:01:27.637-05:00Remembering Christmas' Past<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>Ashley Kate's last Christmas </i></div>
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I've spent a lot of time this Christmas season thinking about the reasons behind the very difficult struggle that Christmas seems to bring since her passing. I've searched my heart, my grief, my thoughts, and my memories as I've wondered why her absence seems so very magnified during the season. Many things have come to mind as I thought back to our Christmas' with our precious Ashley. Stories that I hadn't thought of in years, memories that I'd tucked deep inside my heart, and photographs of her that I hadn't looked through in a while all came tumbling to the forefront during my search for the reasons behind the hurt. Reasons other than the fact that her physical presence is no longer here with us. </div>
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Christmas has always been a favorite time of year for me. I love the lights, the decor, the feeling of "home" that comes along with the season when our front door opens up and welcomes us in after being away for an afternoon out running errands, a day spent at the office, or a semester of school ending. There is just something special about the way our house feels during this season. December 2004 was just as special as all the other Decembers in our home. Blake and Allison were 9 and 6 that year and the photographs and video show the excitement in their eyes and on their faces that Christmas day. Christmas just becomes more amazing, more special, almost magical when you view it through the eyes of your own children. It had been a blessed day. One I wanted to remember forever as Dave and I lay down for bed that evening. As we lay there talking about all the things that made us smile that day I remember asking Dave if he had enjoyed Christmas that year and his answer was one I'll never forget. "Yes! It was a great day, and I already know what I want for Christmas next year." That instantly made me giggle. I thought to myself "he is such a kid!" and I LOVE that about my husband. He keeps me laughing and smiling all the time and that night his answer was just what I had come to expect from him...except for just one thing... He wasn't finished with his answer...As I was still smiling from his response to my question He continued to say..."I wan't to find our baby. I'd like to have our 3 children together for Christmas next year."</div>
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That Christmas night of 2004 we were finally on the same page at the same time, and I lay there in the dark smiling ear to ear as tears were forming in the corners of my eyes. After almost 13 years of being married, planning and raising our family, discussing how to grow our family, we had both arrived at the same place...finally. That night we decided by Christmas 2005 we wanted to adopt the baby I had dreamed of for years. I had no idea where "she" was that Christmas night or who she would be, but I believed in a God who loved me enough to give me the desire of my heart. That Christmas night I drifted off to sleep with dreams of what He would do in the life of our family over the next year. </div>
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This memory is just one of the many that I think I discovered this season as to why I miss her so at Christmas time. We dreamed of her that night, just the two of us laying there in our bed, already falling so in love with her even though we had yet to find her...but God knew who she was, when she was being conceived, how she would come to us, and the long but oh so beautiful journey her life would become. As I type that last sentence the tears are falling from my eyes and running down my face because He also knew how her life would end although I did not. He knew I would only have 7 Christmas seasons to hold my baby and see the joy and the sparkle in her eyes as the lights twinkled inside our home. He already knew that Christmas 2012 would be her last one with us here, and oh how I wish I had known that too(this is something I have and still do really struggle with). He already knew how she would steal our hearts and change those hearts for the rest of our lives. </div>
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Throughout Ashley Kate's life Christmas was one of the "if we can just get her to dates" that I kept track of in my mind. I was always planning and looking ahead for a goal to get her to survive too...to live long enough for. It helped me get through the rough parts of her journey. Having her home for Christmas was the dream. To have all three kids together for Christmas was always the goal. It wasn't about the presents under the tree...it never has been...it was about the feeling of having us all together. It was about how Christmas felt knowing that all three of our children were tucked safe into their beds in our home those Christmas Eve nights. Nothing brought me more peace during the season than that because I knew if she were home and not in a hospital bed that she was "alright" ...she was "safe". Our world was alright because Ash was home were she belonged with Blake and Allison. </div>
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Since Ashley Kate's death Christmas has been so very hard for all of us. We have made an effort to make Christmas different for our kids, but yet still the same. I'm not sure that I can explain it effectively enough. Our home looks the same, it is filled with twinkling lights, holiday photographs, the sights and sounds that have always welcomed us into the door, but it feels different too since she's no longer here. The silence of her laughter is a sound that echoes now during the holidays. Her joy is missing so blatantly on Christmas day so we now leave. We plan holidays for our "adult" children away from our home on Christmas day. Its become tradition these last 5 Christmas' since she left for us to be away. She is never far from our thoughts and definitely in our hearts each Christmas, but we seem to shed less tears if we aren't sitting around our tree without her here. We just arrived home last night from a beautiful Christmas holiday in Mexico with Blake and Allison. Our children are young adults now, and we have so enjoyed watching them grow up. </div>
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Christmas this year still hurt my heart more than I can truly share, but we laughed together and made new memories. Christmas is so different without her here, but it is still a treasured holiday of warmth and togetherness for all of us. We will never have another family photo that includes us all, and that hurts more than words can describe, but we are still a family. We are still together, and I can truly say that I am blessed. Broken forever but always blessed. </div>
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So from our family to yours I pray your holiday season was blessed. Thank you for still being here with us. Thank you for loving us as we navigate this world without her here. Thank you for your prayers and shared well wishes. Merry Christmas</div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-8437001566745897032017-08-29T23:47:00.000-05:002017-08-29T23:47:17.116-05:00Jealous of the Saints of Heaven TonightSince the early hours of this morning you've now spent 4 years in Heaven...and...<br />
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I'm missing you today.<br />
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I miss you every single day since you left, but today its a longing that has no end.<br />
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I'm wondering what your doing.<br />
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I'm imagining all that you are seeing.<br />
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I'm wishing I could catch a glimpse of you in the place you now reside. <br />
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I'm jealous of all the saints in Heaven tonight.<br />
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The first day of your eternal life was the very worst day of our current life. How thankful I am that the pain you had to endure as your body lay dying has ended. How very thankful I am that that part is over for you. Never again will you feel pain. Never will you fear. Never will you cry. Oh precious girl I am so very thankful for those truths.<br />
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Still we hurt from missing you. We hurt from the recurring memories of those last days with you. We hurt from never having the ability to see your face, or hold your hands, or smell your sweet hair again. This anniversary day of your homecoming is bitter and sweet for all of us. Its never an easy day. All four of us struggle through it. Wishing so desperately that we hadn't lost you. Wanting more than anything to have somehow saved you from your broken and failing body. I wanted to spare you the pain of dying and spare your brother and sister the pain of watching you die. I wanted so much to dry the tears that fell uncontrollably from your daddy's eyes. I wanted to keep you safe and hold onto you forever. I couldn't do any of those things. You slipped from our arms into the arms of Jesus that morning and though the bitterness of death stole you away from us we believe that the sweetness of Heaven awaited your arrival. How sweet to know that all the hurt ended that very moment. How sweet to see that you no longer struggled for air to fill your lungs. How sweet to imagine that as your last breath left your broken body your new life began and all of Heaven rejoiced to see you there. <br />
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This day has been so difficult. The tears have fallen from my eyes since the moment they opened. I miss you desperately. I long to see you again. I can't deny the brokenness that our hearts still feel. I imagine they always will...but...<br />
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I rejoice for you today. I know you are at peace. I believe you are with the One Who created you and gave you to us and allowed us to love you for your short life here. How beautiful it was to have the opportunity to be your family. How precious a gift you were to each one of us. Ash, we love you. Still we love you. Forever we will love you. If only I could tuck you in again tonight I would still whisper in your ear that Daddy loves Ashley...and Mommy loves Ashley...and Blake loves Ashley...and Allie loves Ashley...and Jesus loves Ashley. <br />
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You will be forever loved...forever missed...forever eight. <br />
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<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-7202202850056906442017-08-04T23:21:00.000-05:002017-08-04T23:21:22.771-05:00It would have been......her 12th birthday today.<br />
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We haven't seen her face since just after her 8th. How can that even be true? Time doesn't seem to work the way it used to. It feels like its been forever, and yet it feels like it was just yesterday that we celebrated her 8 years of life. I can't make sense of it. Any of it.<br />
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Its become tradition over the last 4 birthdays for us to spend this day performing random acts of kindness around our community in celebration of the life that Ashley Kate lived. She lived a beautiful life. So full of joy. Still it stretches us to our emotional limits to put ourselves out there on this day, and even though we experienced great joy today in sharing with those we came in contact with the tears still flowed. Tonight I sit here in our home with pounding head and heart from the range of emotions we experienced throughout the day.<br />
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I wish I could share that time heals and things get easier as the years pass, but the truth is that it hurts. It still hurts. The hurting doesn't go away. The tears don't dry up. The empty place that is left inside of your heart when your child loses her battle in this life does not fill itself back up. It just doesn't. Standing in the middle of a cemetery on the date that you celebrate the life of your little girl will never feel normal. <br />
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I share all of that because that is truth. It is the reality of living without her here with us. <br />
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But...we know we were blessed. We are still blessed. Our family was given a gift August 4, 2005 when that tiny 2lb bundle of baby girl took her first breath in this world. She left us with beautiful memories that flood over our hearts on a daily basis. We have hurts, but we also have joy We have joy because she taught us to feel joy. <br />
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Ashley Kate, you beautiful soul, your mommy and daddy love you so very much. We miss you. We wish we could see who you would have been at 12 years old. I can't imagine what your day held. I hope that it was filled with joy and laughter. Being in the presence of Jesus is so much more than what we could have given to you on this special day. Happy 12th Birthday to you our sweet, sweet girl. <br />
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You are and will always be...Forever loved...forever missed...forever eight. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-64825803537363911922016-12-25T22:57:00.000-05:002016-12-25T22:57:28.740-05:00Christmas Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><i>Christmas Morning with her Daddy and that ugly, orange dinosaur she just needed to have. One of our very favorite snapshots of Ashley Kate. Her beauty radiates from this image. Oh sweet girl, you are missed. </i></b></div>
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We have now been separated from our sweet Ashley Kate for 4 Christmas mornings. Each one as difficult as the first. I have now spent 4 holiday seasons standing in a cemetery. There are no words for how hard that is at Christmas. <br />
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It seems as though I've watched the Father collect so many of our children and take them unto Himself over these last three years. Each time I hear of yet another mother enduring the unthinkable my heart breaks a little more. Death has robbed so many of us of so many moments with our little ones. <br />
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As I sat through this Christmas Day choking on my tears as the memories of Ash flooded over me, I thought of all of those mothers who were waking up this morning to spend their first Christmas Day without their child. Oh how my heart aches for them...for me... for all of us. Christmas just isn't Christmas anymore...not once you've walked away and left your most precious of gifts in the ground. Precious mother, I feel your pain today. I cry for your loss. Your longing. Your wanting to wish it all back to the way it once was when sleepy eyes woke with wonder, and stockings hung from the mantle with sweet surprises just waiting to be discovered. How I wish I could spare you from the loss you will be feeling today. <br />
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It is so very hard for those around us to understand. So hard for them to see past the painted smile, and the forced effort to be present as the celebration of this day unfolded before us. I wish I could make them see, let them be one of us for just a moment, but yet I would never wish the pain of such loss on another even if only for a short moment. <br />
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Today I found my heart searching for understanding...seeking a peace in knowing that our beautiful Ashley sat near the feet of Jesus and not on the lap of Santa for another year. Oh the JOY she must have felt this Christmas morning as all of heaven sang Holy, Holy Holy round His throne. As much as I missed her today...as much as I wanted to give to her...as much as I wanted to hold her close to me...I understand that all of that CAN NOT compare to what Jesus has given, and shown, and bestowed upon my precious girl this day. She has seen Him face to face. She has walked along beside Him. She has touched His face. She has seen the very face of God! I can't even comprehend. <br />
As I long to have her here with me this Christmas day and every other day I am trying so very hard to bring my heart back to these thoughts. These things that I know to be true. He loves her. Although it makes no sense to me how He could love her more than I do, I believe that He does. He must. <br />
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Merry Christmas Ashley Kate. Your mommy missed you today. Your daddy longed to hold you on his lap as you peeked into your stocking. We thought of you. We remembered your wonder. We smiled as we shared memories of your Christmas mornings spent with us. We smiled, we cried, we celebrated. Your stocking still hung although we knew you would not be here. We anxiously await to be where you are. Until then we will keep seeking, searching, and serving. <br />
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<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-89208302672903351552016-08-29T11:14:00.001-05:002016-08-29T11:14:58.657-05:00How long has it beenHow long has it been since we last touched your face?<br />
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How long has it been since we last kissed your cheeks?<br />
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How long has it been since we last brushed your hair?<br />
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How long has it been since we last rocked you to sleep?<br />
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How long has it been since we last saw your smile?<br />
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How long has it been since we last heard you laugh?<br />
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How long has it been since we last told you how much you were loved?<br />
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How long has it been since we last checked on you in your sleep?<br />
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How long has it been, precious Ash, since you left for Heaven?<br />
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How long has it been since we began longing for this life to end?<br />
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How long has it been since Heaven became sweeter?<br />
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How long has it been since Jesus became more real?<br />
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The passing of days in this life does not heal a heart that has been broken by grief. The counting of time is a reminder of not only how long it has been since we have had you here with us, but it is also a reminder of how many days closer we are to being with you again.<br />
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Its been 1,095 days since you left for Heaven. My heart has ached for all 1,095 of those days, and yet it has also rejoiced for you. You have been with Jesus now for every one of those days, and I know there are no words in this life that can describe the sights that have you seen. Precious girl, we rejoice for you that you have finished your race. Still my tears fall freely, and my heart hurts daily because I miss you so very much. The belief of Heaven does not end the suffering of a broken heart. But oh to know that you no longer suffer the pain of a body that did not work is enough for this mommy's heart to rejoice for YOU! Tears do not fall from your eyes anymore. That is a comfort for me. <br />
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How long has it been since I last saw you?<br />
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I see you everyday sweet girl. I see you in my memories. I see you asleep in your bed when I walk into your room. I see you playing with your toys when I peek into the playroom. I see you sitting on your "perch" in our foyer as I glance over that way. I see you sitting in the big chair that you loved so much. I see you scooting across the floor on your way down the hall. I see you here, around me, in the memories I have stored up for this life. One day I will see you again...face to face...but for now I see you in all the places where you used to be. <br />
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1,095 days closer. We are 1,095 days closer to seeing you there. Don't give up on us sweet girl. We are stumbling, and struggling, and scratching our way through each day, but we are surviving them. We will one day all be together again. Its the only way we are making it without you here. Knowing that we will see you again some day. <br />
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You are forever loved... forever missed...forever 8. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-77686429469965575332016-08-04T22:38:00.002-05:002016-08-04T22:39:20.709-05:00Celebrating You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sweet Ash,<br />
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Its August again...August 4th...what should be your eleventh birthday...and yet...your not here.<br />
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Not anymore.<br />
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Still we wanted to celebrate you.<br />
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Your life...who you were...how you lived...and all that you accomplished in your short 8 years in this place. But...how? How do we celebrate when our hearts are still shattered from your absence? How do we celebrate when we can no longer touch you, or hold you, or kiss your cheeks? Its been so difficult to be separated from you today. So painful to not see your smile, hear your giggles, and watch your eyes twinkle. I've longed to know you at this age. Who would you be? How beautiful? I hope we honored your memory well today. I hope we brought glory to the Father with our attempts today. Our focus was to spread JOY to those around us in celebration of you. Little acts of kindness in memory of the little girl who forever changed us. <br />
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Early this morning Daddy and I took a balloon to your memorial. To the place that we go when our hearts are longing to be close to you. I tied a single pink balloon around "your" wrist and watched the breeze cause it to slowly sway above your head. I desperately wanted to be somewhere else with you. Anywhere else but that place. I wanted to run to where you are...to where you really are. I know your soul is not here, I know its not there because I watched it leave your body as you left for Heaven, I felt your last breath escape your broken body and I kissed your cheeks a thousand times when it did. But this is the last place I saw your tiny face and so,,,its the place I go. Its all we have for now, Its the only place we can go to "see" you. <br />
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I've cried a million tears since that moment you left, and I know I'll cry a million more. My heart broke into a million pieces that morning, and I still find myself trying to pick the pile of it up off the floor. Ive struggled to breathe more days than not. I've spent so many sleepless nights without you here, desperately trying to remember every feature of your face. You were so, so beautiful and I intentionally tried to make a forever memory of you so I would have it if the day ever came that you were no longer here.<br />
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Precious girl of mine I will cry a million more tears but take great peace in knowing that tears no longer escape from your eyes. I'll pick up the pieces of my broken heart a million times over knowing that your heart will never break again. I'll fight for each breath and take that on willingly because I know you will never have to labor for another. I'll give up a peaceful nights sleep for as many nights as I'm left here because I know you now know perfect peace. There are no more sleepless nights for you to suffer through. My pain is great, but yours is no more. For that I am so thankful. Your pain is gone, your tears are dry, your heart doesn't hurt, your labored breaths have ceased and you live in perfect peace. For every moment of eternity you now have peace. If I had to choose between the pain I feel since you left or the pain you were forced to endure then I choose me a million times over so that your struggle could come to an end. <br />
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But I miss you desperately.<br />
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Today,<br />
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Tomorrow. <br />
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Everyday until my life ends.<br />
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You are so loved. Still so very loved. Forever loved...Forever missed...Forever eight. <br />
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Happy Birthday sweet girl. How I wish I could tell you face to face. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-88338908090973562582015-12-25T00:24:00.002-05:002015-12-25T00:24:33.406-05:00Christmas Time...Again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>Missing the moments like this one tonight.</i></div>
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<i>Precious memories.</i></div>
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Its Christmas time<br />
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...again<br />
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and your not here.<br />
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Its the third Christmas we've spent without you home here with us. How can that be? I still look for you everyday...I'm still trying to wake from this horrible dream... I still catch myself checking your room as I walk by to see if your resting peacefully. How can we be celebrating our third Christmas without you already? It doesn't seem possible. <br />
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My heart aches for you tonight, and I wonder how precious would you be as I tucked you into your bed this Christmas Eve. At ten years old would your eyes still twinkle and would your giggle still spill out all over us if we could of kissed your sweet face tonight? As I sit by the tree Daddy is asleep next to me on the couch, and the tears are falling from my eyes making the glow of its lights blurry. More than anything this Christmas I wish I could give him another day with you. Nothing we want can be purchased and wrapped up to place under the tree, because all we want is to have another moment with you. Just a minute, another memory, a moment in time to touch you, hold you, and love on you. If only it was within my reach to give that to him. Its all he wants. Its all any of us want. <br />
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Sweet Ash, it hurts so very much to be away from you on Christmas Day. <br />
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Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas anymore. <br />
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We've surrounded ourselves with the memories of Christmas' past and the images brought to mind bring joy to our hearts. Remembering the times we spent together with you and your brother and sister heal our hurts even if only a little. We were so blessed to parent the three of you together. There was joy and laughter in our home. Our hearts are comforted by the knowledge that you were loved and you knew it. You were happy and you showed it. You laughed and you shared it. You lived. Truly lived. <br />
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I miss you everyday, but especially today...this Christmas Eve...this night it hurts...deeply. <br />
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Merry Christmas Ashley Kate, you are missed, you are loved, you are and forever will be close to our hearts.<br />
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I love you sweet girl, Mommy.<br />
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<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-89144477614547337002015-09-28T17:59:00.001-05:002015-09-28T17:59:49.062-05:00Ashley's RoomIts been such a long time coming.<br />
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Such a journey to get to this place...this place where I ready to step out in faith and share with the world and with all of you what has been brewing in my heart.<br />
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I'm nervous...a little afraid...and a lot excited.<br />
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Still I think we are ready...<br />
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ready to tell you about...<br />
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Please take a moment to go over to our new website at www.ashleysroom.org and look around. Its taken us months to design it, to have the image of her drawn, and to get everything just right, but we are pleased with the final results. An artist in Malaysia took the image we provided of her and brought our sweet Ash's character illustration to life. When I look at it I see her. The big bow reminds me of our beautiful Ash with her long, dark hair. I can see her in the image, and I hear her laughter spilling out of that big smile. It makes me feel happy when I look at it, and I haven't felt happy in such a long time.</div>
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I have struggled for so long trying to decide what I wanted to do in her memory, and how I wanted to get it done. I had so many ideas and yet this little idea just never went away. I came back to it time and time again. Something about it, about the Pillow Pets, and about the way I felt when I thought of how much comfort they brought to our Ash especially in the final months of her life made me choose this above all else. </div>
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I am working diligently out of Ashley's Room these days. Overcoming the sting of its emptiness as it fills up with Pillow Pets. I giggle to myself wondering what she would think if she could see it now. Most days I work with tear stained cheeks. My mind filled with her memory. My heart desperately searching for a way to make a difference. I am reminded so often of the little things that meant so very much to me in the days, weeks, and months of those long hospital stays. The little things that made the biggest difference in our days. Its those memories that drive me to use something as simple as a Pillow Pet with a tag attached to it that comes from her room to share with a hurting family that they were thought of, prayed for, and remembered today. Nothing that will change the world, but maybe just a little something that will change a small moment in the world their critically ill child is living in. Its not much, but my hope is that it may be a blessing. </div>
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Selfishly it helps my broken heart to know that somewhere, someone will read that little tag we have attached and say her name today...Ashley...it will be read, perhaps even spoken aloud...and that as silly as it may seem comforts me. Just knowing she will be remembered helps. </div>
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Already we've been so blessed through Ashley's Room. I stood in line with two baskets full of pets one day and a total stranger asked me who they were for. I briefly stated I was purchasing them in memory of my daughter for children who were in the hospital and she insisted on paying for one of the baskets. </div>
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Tears slipped from my eyes. Blessed... Comforted... Humbled...by the act of a stranger.</div>
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My mom sent me a text along with a photo of a pile of Pillow Pets she had purchased on Ashley Kate's birthday in her memory. Again...tears flowed. No one had ever done anything for her birthday since she left and that simple act in her memory blessed and comforted and humbled me. </div>
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This morning we received our very first request to host a Pillow Pet Drive in her memory. I am so blessed. So humbled. So excited. </div>
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So although its taken a while to get it right, we have finally done it and now we are ready to share with all of you a little bit about our precious Ashley's Room. Its a beautiful place. </div>
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-57015645510629272802015-08-25T15:05:00.001-05:002015-08-25T17:09:55.851-05:00Its August AgainIts August again...<br />
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I woke to the sounds of the rain.<br />
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A storm moved quickly through.<br />
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The sounds of the wind and the rain outside my window were an echo of the many emotions I've felt in my heart all month. I lay there listening and the tears in my eyes began to slide down my cheeks. <br />
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In those first few moments that I find myself awake each morning my heart skips a beat, and my mind plays quick tricks on me. Then the realization that she's not really here floods over me and those tears, all too familiar to my pillow, reappear and begin to fall...again. <br />
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I fight the urge to come here...daily. I say a thousand things, share a thousand thoughts, heartaches and memories with myself in my mind every single day. Things I feel drawn to come to this place and spill out on this screen, but then don't. I wish I could explain why, but I can't. <br />
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As the anniversary of Ashley Kate's death approaches I find myself battling with the loss, the emptiness, and the loneliness of living without her. The month of August is a long, miserable, painful walk among all of the lasts we experienced with her. She had a beautiful life, but the last 29 days of it were so painful. The last 13 even more so. Her body was broken and the memory of those days hurt. That is the simple truth of all of this...it hurts... it still hurts...it will always hurt.<br />
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I struggle with all the decisions, choices, what ifs, and onlys...I'm constantly battling them all. Forgiving others has never been a difficult task...forgiving myself has been impossible. It was such a confusing time. There were no easy answers. No solutions. No directions. <br />
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I find myself staring, longing for what other mothers have. Little girls bring a rush of joy and a flood of pain in a mixed up bundle of emotion. Its so hard not to want what those around me have. I still want our daughter. I want to hold her. Touch her. Kiss her. I'm jealous? I think? Not sure if thats the right word to describe what rises up in me as I catch a glimpse of an 8-10 year old in the store, at dinner, or on a playground. I find myself smiling, and staring, and wiping the silent tears that have slipped from my eyes onto my cheeks as I stand frozen in the aisle of Hobby Lobby, or at our table in Chick Fil A. Its so hard to explain. <br />
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A dear friend shared with me this morning that she took her daughter to Ashley's mausoleum. I've never shared where she lay with anyone that I can remember. I've been waiting for her memorial piece to be completed and placed. I don't know of anyone who has ever stood in that precious space other than the four of us, but oh how precious to know that they took the time to go and to remember our sweet Ashley Kate. My heart is overwhelmed. <br />
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Most people in our lives don't know and haven't known what to say. Its ok, because I don't know what to say to them either. We've lost our community, the places we belonged, since we lost her. One of the most difficult parts of losing a child is not feeling like you belong where you once did. Of all the many people we once considered our friends in the transplant world, those we've learned so much from...we are no longer a part of their lives or they ours. We've become their worst nightmare, and I can imagine how frightening we must be to them. Four days shy of two years since her passing and I can count on one hand those who have weathered the storm along side us. Two who survived all the many days that we needed to be silent, the days we needed to scream, the days where the tears fell seemingly without end, and the days were numbness was the only work I could use to describe to them how I felt. They stuck it out and still do. They loved her enough and loved us enough to just accept where we were at any given moment. Whether it be ugly or whether it be beautiful. I am FOREVER grateful to them for hanging in there. For loving us all enough to hang on because they felt it was valuable enough to endure all of the awful in hopes of being near us when we remember the beautiful. Thank you so very much for allowing us to hurt. For not telling us to move on...or that it was time to get over it...or to stop grieving. Thank you so very much for your willingness to keep trying...to keep calling...to keep texting.. and to keep showing up. <br />
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When the occasional letter or email or text comes through it so blesses our hearts. Some of those who faithfully loved, and prayed, and followed throughout Ashley Kate's life will still share with us that they were reminded of her, thought of her, or miss her. Priceless are those moments when I discover their words. Tears fall, my heart is overwhelmed, and I am reminded that she made a difference in this world. I'm reminded she was here for a bigger purpose and He must have seen that it was fulfilled and then He took her home...to her eternal home. <br />
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Its August again and its a struggle. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-68784108543410449562015-08-04T10:53:00.003-05:002015-08-04T17:38:30.917-05:00Forever 8<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><i>Ashley Kate, Forever 8</i></b></div>
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<b><i>August 4, 2005-August 29,2013</i></b></div>
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Ten years ago today our precious gherkin took her first breath.<br />
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I wasn't there. <br />
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I missed the joy of seeing her come into this world.<br />
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25 days shy, of two years from today, our precious gherkin took her last breath.<br />
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I was there.<br />
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I held her head in my hands and watched as her soul left this world. I literally felt her last breath as it escaped her body. <br />
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The joy, the beauty, the pain, the tears...a thousand times again I would be there. If asked to do it again and again and again I would answer...Yes!<br />
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Oh how I loved her. How we all loved her. <br />
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There are a lot of tears falling today. A lot of wishing that she were here. A lot of wondering who she would be at 10 years old. <br />
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I don't imagine there are birthdays in Heaven. No celebrating her life or her special day. No need to keep track of time, count the days, or years of ones life. I truly believe she is not any age now. Not in Heaven anyway. Things are different there I imagine...and...thats ok. It has to be because I can't change it. Yet, without understanding the mysteries of who God is and where Heaven is I can't picture her any other way than 8 years old. <br />
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I can't help but wonder though who she would have been had she turned 10 years old here with us today. How big would she be? How beautiful would she be? How happy? How funny? How ornery? How would her laughter sound as it spilled down the hall this morning to wake us up?<br />
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Ashley Kate will forever be 8 years old. Never growing up, aging, or maturing. She will not be 10, or 12, or 15. She will remain 8 years old in our hearts and in our memories and in our family. There are no words to describe the hurt that brings along with it. No words.<br />
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There will be no party and no celebrating. Instead there will be remembering. There will be longing. There will be a drive to the cemetery where her body lays behind a stone. The only act of parenting I will be allowed to do for my daughter on her 10th birthday today is arranging the flowers in the vase attached to the place where we were forced to leave her. There is great pain in that statement. Great loss.<br />
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I never knew how to plan for her death. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't know how to. That surprises a lot of people. People have said to me, "but you knew she would die...how could you not have prepared yourself?" As if knowing we would one day lose her should have made it any easier. Made it ok. I still remember the day, the moment, just days shy of her 5th birthday that the surgeon stood before me and said, "She won't grow up. There is no escaping that. This has pretty much guaranteed that as a fact. " I wanted to scream at him. I wanted him to hurt as much as his words were stinging me. I cried a lot that day. So much so that I ran out of tears, and then I just stood by her bedside willing him to be wrong. <br />
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He wasn't.<br />
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Three years later he would be right. <br />
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Instead of concentrating on her death I chose to celebrate her life. Celebrate it on a grand scale! I was so very grateful for each year, every birthday, and all of her days with us. I couldn't contain my excitement, and although she didn't really understand what all the fuss was about she did learn that the day she was born was a day we celebrated. She laughed and clapped and cheered every year as I would begin to sing "Happy Birthday" to her in the days and weeks before her special day. Precious Ash never planned or anticipated her tomorrows. She only knew how to live in the moment. What a beautiful way to live out her days!<br />
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Sweet Ash, your mom and dad love you so much. <br />
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We miss you and wish that we could be with you to celebrate your 10th birthday. Its hard not to want you with us because we have never been where you are now. All we know is the joy that you shared with us while you were here and we long to feel that again. You were so precious, so beautiful, and so loved.<br />
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We used to lie awake at night and talk about what you would be like on your tenth birthday. We tried to imagine what you would look like and what all you would have learned. I wondered how would I ever pick you up with your long legs! I couldn't picture what life would be like once you were ten, but oh how I wanted to know you at that age. I wanted to hear your laugh and see your face and hold your hands in mine. I was looking forward to watching you grow up. I so desperately wanted to know you as you aged. <br />
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Now that you are where you are I wouldn't ask you to come back to us. I could never be that selfish. I just wish you hadn't had to leave so soon. I wish you had never been sick. Had never known the pain of dying. Had never left. Precious girl if I had to choose the pain of living without you or the pain of you still living in your broken body I would choose our pain over yours. A thousand times over I would choose to hurt like this so that you never knew another moment of pain. Knowing that you are free from all that hurt you in this world is enough to make the hurt we live with worth it.<br />
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But... I miss you.<br />
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Desperately miss you.<br />
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Everyday.<br />
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Especially today. <br />
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Happy 10th Birthday sweet girl. <br />
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You are loved. Forever loved. Forever 8.<br />
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<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-32430910733212633182015-06-04T16:00:00.000-05:002015-06-04T16:00:36.858-05:00Miss This<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I miss this. I miss this so much. Conversations between Ash and her daddy. I spent most of his lunch hours just observing the two of them. They had this amazing relationship. Even though Ash had no understanding of the clock or any need to know what time it was she was very, very aware of the lunch hour. She knew her daddy would be coming through the door to see her...and...see her he did. Every day...without fail...she had his full attention and she loved it. They played and giggled and talked the whole time. Her tiny hands told him lots and lots and he understood whatever it was she wanted to say. I look at this serious of pictures a lot. She is so alive and so real and so beautiful in them. Happy and vibrant. <br />
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I tried to live in such a way that I never took our moments and our days spent with the children for granted. I have vivid memories of thinking to myself..."Don't rush this. Don't miss this. They won't always be here. Things won't always be this good." And...even though I slowed down and drank it all in I find myself longing to get those moments back. Those moments where we had all 3 of the children here in our home. Growing up, living the mundane moments, laughing, talking, just being under the same roof. I miss these days desperately. I miss having them all here. Knowing they are safe. I miss watching them all growing up with Ashley Kate. <br />
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I saw new images of her memorial and it took my breath away. We are months away from it being completed, but as they make progress we can see her more and more in it. I stared at the images they sent and couldn't speak. There were no words escaping my lips and in that moment the longing I felt to touch my daughter overwhelmed me. Tears ran down my cheeks and I just stood frozen, and silent, and unable to speak. <br />
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As the days of summer come upon me I am so aware of her absence. I should be knee deep in birthday planning and props and the like. Instead I stared at the date today and realized that two months from today she would be 10 years old. How can that be? How? She spent her 9th and almost her 10th in Heaven. Instead of designing invitations today I'm designing flowers to be taken to the cemetery. Oh how that hurts! I wouldn't make her leave her home in Heaven now for all the world, but oh how I wish she hadn't yet gone to live there. Who is she now? At almost 10 I wonder how much she has changed. What is she like? How long is her hair? How has her face matured? Her hands? Her feet? Are they the same or have they changed? I don't know enough about Heaven and how it works to know if shes a child or if she's different since arriving there. I wish I could hear her laugh now that she's there. To be in His presence there should be "fullness of joy". What does that feel like for her? What does that sound like as she has a voice and a body that is no longer broken? Her laughter has got to spill out along the streets of Heaven. Oh how I hope that it does!<br />
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I miss her. I miss all of her. All of this. <br />
<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-64247493605091169312015-05-18T16:18:00.001-05:002015-05-18T16:38:20.160-05:00Perched<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><i>"Perched " here along with a few of her dinosaurs. </i></b></div>
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<b>It was a hard weekend for us. We worked on transferring old videos of Ashley Kate and we discovered some we hadn't seen before. A treasure for sure, but the longing for her intensified with each newly discovered scene. She was amazing, and beautiful, and so full of JOY. </b></div>
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<b>The rain has left us longing for her a little more than what we are used to feeling everyday. Its been raining for days and days and with that rain the memory of our precious Ash has washed over us all over again and again and again. The rain causes me to long for her. I feel an ache for her deep inside of my soul and wish that I could be given just one more chance to love on her. </b></div>
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<b>I think of her every day.</b></div>
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<b>All throughout my days I miss her.</b></div>
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<b>I see her everywhere. </b></div>
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<b>The memories of her make me smile and cause me to cry all at the same time. </b></div>
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<b>Ash loved us. She loved all of us. She expressed that love to us in so many different ways, but I have one particular memory of her "saying I love you" to me that stands out above the rest. I go to it often. Especially on the days when I'm missing her so much that it hurts to breathe. I say that often when describing what its like to be without her and I realize that you might not understand what I mean. Its ok. A few of you know what I'm talking about, and I'm so very sorry that you understand all to well what it means when I say that breathing hurts now that she's gone. </b></div>
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<b> I've never shared this memory here but thought that today I would. At least I will try as the rain begins to fall once again and the longing for my daughter is pulling on my heart. </b><br />
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<b>"<i>Perched" Once again. Her very favorite spot. </i></b></div>
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<b>Ash sat on the "perch" in our foyer every single day. It was her spot. Just outside the doorway of her playroom and a step down into our family room where we all spent most of our time when we were home together. It was so normal for me to walk into the room and see our sweet girl sitting there. I can still see images of her sitting there even now as I type.</b></div>
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<b> On this particular day I was standing at the couch folding laundry while Ash was sitting behind me on the perch. We were watching wonder pets on the big TV and I was talking to her about silly things that didn't mean anything to anyone but the two of us. I looked up from the towels I was folding and saw her pat her little hands on the spot next to where she was sitting. She was calling me to come over and sit down next to her. As I got down on the floor and sat next to her she pushed play on her ipad and the youtube clip she had pulled up began to play. As the music started she leaned her head over and rested it on me as together we watched what she had found. ( I don't know if you have ever seen what I'm going to try and describe. Since she's left us I've tried so many times to find it again but have been unsuccessful. ) On the screen we watched the opening trailor for a Disney's Oceans movie that had just come out. The music was beautiful and the narrator was rambling on about some things I don't remember, but it was the image of what she was wanting me to see that grabbed my heart. It was a scene in the middle of the ocean, under the surface of the water where they had filmed a mommy sea lion "holding" a baby sea lion out in front of her with her fins. The two of them were spinning around in circles together as the music played. I wish I could make you see what it was that she showed me that day. I know my words aren't doing the image justice, but it was beautiful. It was loving. Nurturing. In that very moment I knew. I understood what Ash was wanting to share with me. It was intentional. Purposeful. She was telling me what I had longed her entire life to hear her say. </b></div>
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<b>"I love you mommy."</b></div>
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<b>I have no doubt in my mind that this is what she wanted me to know. </b></div>
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<b>I'll never forget that moment. It was precious to me and now it has become priceless. I sat next to her for a while that afternoon, and we watched it several times as her little head rested on me. I told her how very much her mommy loved her and as my words were spoken to her she would tap, tap, tap her tiny finger on the screen making sure I was watching the mommy and the baby. </b></div>
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<b> You see this wasn't the first mommy and baby scene she had ever wanted me to "stop" and see. She seemed to find them all. Some of her all time favorite movie scenes were exactly those...mommy and baby scenes. Dumbo? We watched the storks deliver baby after baby to the mommy animals on the train. We watched it again and again and again. When Dumbo's mommy is holding him with her trunk and comforting him while <i>Baby Mine</i> plays...her all time favorite. Bambi? ...scenes with his mommy played repeatedly over and over and over again on the screen of her ipad. Silent tears slipped from her eyes on more than one occasion when Bambi's mommy got shot in the movie. Just a couple of examples of countless scenes she played throughout the day...every day.</b></div>
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<b> She was drawn to images of babies and mommies in all of the things she watched. And so I knew. She didn't have to say it. What she didn't have the voice to say to me she had the intent to let me know. She found a way to say it. </b></div>
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<b> She loved me. </b></div>
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<b>I often sit very still in our family room when I'm home alone during the day. I look over at her "perch" and I can still see her sitting there. As much as it hurts to live here without her the memories of her in every space inside our home bring back to us a little bit of her joy. We see her so clearly here while we go from room to room. </b></div>
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<b>Taking steps in front of the mailbox...scattering books all over the playroom floor...watching Myth Busters and giggling from her perch...laying underneath the dining room table while I worked on her birthday invitations...banging on the dish wisher and "helping" me load it...watching Rangers games with Blake on the couch...napping in Allie's bed while she worked on her homework...turning off the light switch for me when we left her room every morning(we were so PROUD of her for learning this. It took 2 years, but once she got it she got it. It was her job and she was so good at it. I can't turn on the light with that switch without aching for the weight of her to be back in my arms)... scooting down the hall to our bedroom(I can still hear her coming)...one day I even found her in the game room looking out at the pool! As I came to pick her up she began to sign "swimming, swimming, swimmg". She was such a funny girl. It was dark outside and she was trying to hide from me so she didn't have to go to bed. We have a thousand memories of her. They wash over me daily as I go about the house. Some bring smiles, there almost always tears, and some bring me to feel so close to her and yet so far away from her all at the same time. </b></div>
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<b>I miss her.</b></div>
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<b>Desperately miss her. </b></div>
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<b>I wish I could "hear" her tell me that she loved me just one more time. </b></div>
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<b>On the harder days since she left I try and remind myself that we are one day closer to eternity. This is but a temporary place we are caught in. It won't be long. One day we will see her again...some day. I reminded Dave at lunch today just as he has had to remind me on several of the days since she went on to Heaven that all of "this" all of this "stuff" in our world is just noise. It means nothing. It will disappear and then we will be there. We've done the hardest of days. We've said goodbye. We've walked away from her stone. We've done it. Now we have to do this. We can survive the rest of this. Its only temporary. </b></div>
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<b>Even still though I find us wishing she were "perched" here with us instead of just the memories. </b></div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-91333537918380365912015-05-05T11:06:00.000-05:002015-05-05T11:06:05.670-05:00Writing Again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><i>Loving and Being Loved by her was the most amazing gift.</i></b></div>
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I wish you could have known how it felt. When she wrapped her little arms around your neck you KNEW what if meant to be loved. It was real...genuine...unconditional...amazing. </div>
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In those early days, those 16 or so days before we met her, we prayed daily that she would be able to give and receive love. Our earnest prayer was for her to know how much we all loved her, and for her to be able to love us all back. I desperately wanted her to love Blake and Allison back. It was the focus of my prayers for our tiny baby girl. The rest didn't matter to me. There was nothing they could tell me about her that would make any difference. She was loved, she was wanted, she was going to be ours, and I wanted her to have the ability to love. </div>
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OH HOW ABUNDANTLY God answered that prayer. I could have never imagined what it would feel like to be loved by Ashley Kate. </div>
<br />
Its been a little while. A while since I've shared any thoughts, any moments, any stories,any emotions... or since I've shared anything at all. <br />
<br />
There have been so many days that I have stopped myself from writing. <br />
<br />
We miss her. <br />
<br />
Every day.<br />
<br />
Every thing about her.<br />
<br />
Despite the passing of time we feel the loss deeply. Tears fall and there are days when we can't speak. Days when it seems as though breathing takes all of our energy and there is nothing left to say. There are also days when we talk late into the night about how much it hurts to be separated from her. How much we miss her.<br />
<br />
I've come to understand that there is only one person in this world who knows the depth of the pain of losing her that I feel. Only one other who loved her as much as I did. I lay my head down on the pillows next to his every night and he watches the tears fall from my eyes helpless to do anything other than just allow it to happen. Everyday we find ourselves laughing, remembering, and crying. Not a day goes by that Dave and I don't talk about our sweet Ash. She remains such a huge part of who we are. <br />
<br />
You don't move on.<br />
<br />
You don't get over it.<br />
<br />
You don't. <br />
<br />
You breathe, you move, you cry, you exist, and you live because you don't have the power to control life and death, but you never stop missing, loving, or grieving the loss of one of your children. There is a piece of you that is gone and you feel that emptiness daily. <br />
<br />
I'm writing again.<br />
<br />
Not for any other reason than remembering and never wanting to forget the beautiful details of her life...her story. I realized a couple of weeks ago that there were so many things that Blake and Allison still don't know about her story. They were only 10 and 7 when she was born. One day as Allie and I were in the car visiting I began to talk about Ashley's birth story and how we watched the hand of God move in our lives during those days. Much to my amazement she had never heard so much of it before. Many, many things we had protected their little hearts from. They were just so young at the time. <br />
<br />
So I'm writing a book for them.<br />
<br />
Just the two of them. Recording the days before she was born, the stories of God moving our hearts toward her, how He brought her to us, and the many ways in which we saw Him show up throughout her life. My hope is that through the writing of her story our hearts will begin to heal from the hurt we now feel since He took her back. That somehow the 4 of us might begin to see or maybe even understand a little of what He is doing in our lives now without her here. As a part of her story I'm compiling all the many messages and letters that have been sent to us over the years. The stories of how her life impacted others. I want to say thank you for sharing with us over the years. I have thousands and thousands of comments and messages from you. We have letters and stories that you have shared. In 8 years she made more of a difference than I will make in my lifetime. I want for Blake and Allison to know the many incredible ways that God used their baby sister. How without ever speaking a word she changed so many lives. I know that the telling of these stories will inspire and encourage them as they go on to live their lives. <br />
<br />
And maybe somehow in the writing of her story the burden of the guilt I bare will be lightened?<br />
<br />
Guilt is a heavy, heavy weight. I feel it daily. I struggle with guilt. Its an ugly little piece of my grief. It has taken months and months for me to finally admit to Dave how much of it I fight on a daily basis. Not guilt over how we raised Ashley Kate, or how we allowed her to live her life, or even how we eventually lost her, but guilt over being who I am. I feel guilty that I'm not this amazing mother who has moved on to do great things. I feel guilty that I am not an advocate or a fundraiser or an inspiration like so many other moms have gone on to be. I feel guilty that I have no desire or calling to be or do any monumental things to change the world of transplant, or special needs parenting. I'm just not that grieving mother. I'm not. Much to the disappointment of so many. I wish I were someone else, or someone more, but I can't make myself do what I am not called to do. So I continue to bare this weight, this disappointment, and its suffocating me. <br />
<br />
I was called to be Ashley's mom. I have no doubts about that. I'll forever know that I did the very best I could with her. I'll stand before God someday and I know that I will have loved her with every part of me and given my all to Him as I parented her. He called me to love her and I did. More than I could have ever imagined was possible I loved her. The flip side of loving her so deeply is the missing of her even deeper. The loss of having her in our lives has been devastating. There is no getting around that. <br />
<br />
So I'm writing again. Not silent anymore. I will occasionally share some of those stories here. I will share memories of her too. I will continue to share our grief as well. I will share images of her memorial once it is completed and I will share with you details of the charity that is being established in her memory and as part of her legacy. For those of you who are still here, still loving us, and still supporting us with your encouraging words and sincere prayers we thank you. <br />
<br />
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-36767875499770222652015-03-18T02:35:00.001-05:002015-03-18T08:51:03.052-05:00Asleep<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><i>"But I would not have you be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. for if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with Him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord Himself shall descend from Heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air, and so shall we ever be with the Lord. </i></b></div>
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<b><i>1 Thess. 4:13-18</i></b></div>
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I'm sitting by the bedside of my precious dad tonight. In a hospital room. Next to his hospital bed. He had a stroke two weeks ago and I've been here with him for the past two weeks. I have no idea when I'll be going home. He's lost so much of what his life was a few weeks ago, but he is stable and I'm grateful he is still here. It seems surreal to me that I can't seem to escape spending long, lonely nights in a hospital room. Although I'd give anything to be sitting with my sweet Ash tonight in a hospital room. Anything. </div>
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I've got a lot of time on my hands while he rests, and I find myself running through the files and files that contain the thousands of photographs of our Ashley Kate. Memories flood over me and tears pour from my eyes as I remember the day I took each picture. I miss her so very much. My heart aches for her. Its an ache that I don't know will ever be healed. </div>
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In many ways its such a nightmare for me as I sit in this room. Things that most people don't think much about bring back haunting memories for me. Things like the pulse ox... images of the last readings I took the morning Ash left us flash in front of me. The blood pressure cuff...how she hated it, seriously hated to have her blood pressure taken...then I remember how I could find no reading on her blood pressure monitor in the moments before I realized she was leaving us. This has truly been a very, very difficult time for me. Still...I'm here...because in what world do you get to say, "I'm sorry this is too hard for me." Not in mine. Not when its my dad. </div>
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You see my dad is more than just my dad. He's my person of sorts. My friend. The only true one I've ever really had. He's the one thats been in my corner every day of my life. Even on the worst days of my life...never judging...just loving...praying...pulling for me. He's the one person who didn't disappear over the last 18 months when my grief isolated me, and broke me, and defeated me. He's still here. Not telling me what I should be doing or how I'm supposed to be feeling. He's just the one that says, "Hey, do you know how much your dad loves you?" You see it was 5 long months that my phone sat in a drawer and I refused to look at it because its silence was a reminder to me that she was gone. No more labs, pharmacies, hospitals, or doctors calling. It was just silent. Not many people kept trying after that length of time(not that I blame them), but my dad did. Oh, I had lots and lots of people(and still do) telling me who I should be and how I should handle the loss, but only one who simply said, "I just love you...no matter what."</div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
Anyway, as I re-discover old pictures of my precious girl it often sends me searching for scripture. Scripture I know I've heard my whole life, but now since the end of hers they have taken on new meaning. Tonight I found this image and it reminded me that her body simply sleeps. What an image. One of my favorite things to do was to study her face, features, her everything while she slept. Her beauty overwhelmed me. Still does. Now her soul is with the Father and her body is sleeping across town from our home. One day, whether it be near or far from today, He tells me that He's coming again to retrieve her body along with any who are alive and remain and who have placed their trust in Him. In a confusing 18 long months of the deepest, ugliest, paralyzing pain I found comfort in these verses tonight as I looked at the image of this beautiful baby that I can no longer kiss goodnight. </div>
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Faith is hard. I won't pretend that it is not. When I feel so lost and find myself clinging onto whatever shreds I have left I know that there is a God in Heaven who loves me. Although it often feels like He doesn't as I wander through this land of grief I have to believe that He does. In my broken, lonely, isolated state... I choose to believe that He still loves me and patiently waits for me to find my way back. I don't have the answers I seek, and I don't have any idea if I'll ever be who I once believed I was. I just know that I keep waking up each day trying. I can't do much more than that. Even if I'm on auto pilot navigating my way through this darkest of times. I'm still trying. I really am. </div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-83938376664009048722015-03-09T20:19:00.000-05:002015-03-09T20:19:29.939-05:00Seeing You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
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There are pictures of you that make me feel as though I could reach out and touch you. I find myself reaching for your hair, your face, your hands. You look so real, so alive, so here...and yet your are not. Oh how my heart hurts.<br />
<br />
I wonder where you are...how far away you are...I know deep inside of me that you are with the Father, but where is that? You feel so very far away from us. Not a moment passes that you are not in my thoughts. I try and imagine that you are close. Are you? What if there is nothing more than a thin veil separating this life we live from the eternity that you are now in? Are you just on the other side and yet I just can't see you? Could you be that close to us? I hope that you are. <br />
<br />
18 months have passed since we have touched you. It still doesn't seem real. There are days we go to your rooms and still expect to see you there. I walk in the front door and hear the words I used to speak to you escape my lips. I stand outside the doors to your playroom and imagine you there... playing, giggling, sleeping. I can't go in...it hurts too much...but I can peek through the glass and remember you there. Sometimes I catch myself asking daddy to not wake you as he gets ready for work. Reminding him to move quietly around the house. <br />
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Everything changed in our world the moment you left. Daddy changed. I changed. Blake and Allie changed. Our family is so different now that we are separated from you. We all feel your absence. We keep breathing, living, moving...but so much of who we were ended when your life ended. <br />
<br />
I so desperately wish that we could just peek into your eternity. If only we could see past whatever it is that separates us from you. I close my eyes at night and hope to see you in my dreams. Your not there. Some people have shared that they have seen you as they dream, but we have yet to see you. I have no idea what it feels like to see you running and smiling and playing, but the retelling of those who have seen you makes my heart ache to be the one who is seeing you. Their words bring me hope that someday I might dream of you too. <br />
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We count the days since we have seen you and know that each one brings us closer to you. How grateful I am to know that you don't ache for us as we ache for you. There is no time where you are. You are with the Father and He is outside of time. One day you will look up and we will be there and it will as though we were never apart. <br />
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Time doesn't heal the hurt. The tears don't stop just because the months are piling up. <br />
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You will forever be one of us. We will forever miss seeing you.<br />
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I love you Ashley Kate. Have always loved you. Still love you. Will forever love you. <br />
<br />
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-38411138906808719532015-02-22T03:31:00.000-05:002015-02-22T03:31:07.234-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
The first time I saw you I knew. I knew before they ever told me that you were ours. I remember stepping into the room and being drawn to you. Just you. Not the other two babies in the room...but you. My heart swelled. The love I felt for you overwhelmed my soul. Never have I felt so sure of anything in my life.<br />
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Sweet Ash, there were no doubts.<br />
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Not for a moment...<br />
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I knew that God was good.<br />
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Living without you is crushing us all. We are trying so very hard to stay together and yet I feel as though your absence is pulling us apart. Is God good? As I watch us struggle day after day, each in our own ways, I've begun to wonder.<br />
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Still deep inside of me I chant to myself...He is good...He is good...He is good. Even though it doesn't feel as though He is good...He is good. He has to be. <br />
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I don't feel His presence.<br />
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I don't think He is here.<br />
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I often wonder where has He gone?<br />
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I lay awake at night and wonder where He is...<br />
<br />
in those moments when I fail to feel as though He is with us I imagine that He is busy with you. Silly huh? I just hope that the reason I can't seem to find Him is because you are being so ornery, and so busy, and so all over the place that He has to spend His time chasing you, and listening to you talk...endlessly... I hope. <br />
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I miss you sweet Ash. I miss life with you. I miss our home being filled with your laughter. I miss your joy. I miss how you smiled. I miss how warm your little hands were in mine. I miss kissing your cheeks. I miss tucking you in. <br />
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Your rooms are empty without you in them.<br />
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Our home is empty without you here.<br />
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My heart is empty. <br />
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Tonight I'm wishing that I could whisper in your ear how very much that ... Daddy loves Ashley and Mommy loves Ashley and Blake loves Ashley and Allie loves Ashley and Jesus loves Ashley.<br />
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Just once more.<br />
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I knew in the moment that He gave you to us that He was good...I'm trying to convince myself since the moments that He took you that He still is. <br />
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I love you sweet girl. Tonight and every night for as long as I'm left here. <br />
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33735305.post-30087863945947549492015-01-14T08:48:00.002-06:002015-01-14T20:56:39.799-06:00What do I sayI could write forever.<br />
<br />
Write a thousand words for a thousand days and still not say what it is my heart wants to say.<br />
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I don't write often, but its not for lack of thought.<br />
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I don't write much anymore because I don't believe that I can make anyone who reads these words understand.<br />
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And so...everyday I hear myself say, "What do I say?"<br />
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What do I say now that she's gone?<br />
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Another child is being ushered into heaven tonight. At least I hope thats how it works when our children die.<br />
<br />
It seems so very wrong that our children spent everyday of their short lifes fighting to live. What is so easy for most of us came at such a great cost for them. Transplant life is miserable. Not many happy endings...a few of course...just not many. Not us anyway. Eventually it catches up with our babies and we lose them. <br />
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I'm struggling with assumptions,..struggling to truly believe that an example, a story, a recounting of someone's experience in God's word is to be assumed that it happens that way for all of us. If so then why couldn't God have just said, "this is how it will be for all of you."??? I read over and over again how Lazarus was carried by the angels to Abraham's bosom and I can only hope that my sweet Ash was carried too. I've spent many a night tormented with thoughts of what if they didn't come for her and she was alone. This is just one of the many thoughts I struggle with sharing here for fear that no one could ever understand how I can wonder such things. <br />
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My faith has been tested severely the past 16 months since Ashley Kate left this life. Everything I believe, thought I was sure of, without a doubt would proclaim from the mountain tops, has been swirling around in my head and making sense of it all is not so easy to do anymore. I think grief has an ugly way of causing doubt and confusion and it leaves us grasping to hang on to truths. At least thats how it has affected me. <br />
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Its been 16 months since I held her and felt the weight of her body against my chest. How can that be? Dave shared with me just last night how very hard it is to grasp that this is really how life is going to be. She is gone. Not coming back to us. Even now, 16 months later, we are still trying to accept that its over. He ended our conversation with these words, " and so all I have left is the hope that we will one day see her again." Its all there is. <br />
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I can't hear her anymore. I don't know how to explain what I mean by that statement except to say that I lay in my bed at night and can no longer hear the memory of her giggle spilling down the hall. Its gone now. I know its been gone for 16 months, but I used to be able to hear it. Along with her pumps beeping and her crying out. But now I can't remember it any more just by closing my eyes and concentrating on it. The realization that it has left my memory has wrecked me. <br />
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I read that " in His presence there is fullness of joy". The book and verse escape me now, but I did read it in the Bible not long after she left. I've kept that close to my heart all these days as I can only imagine what that truly means. Ashley Kate was joy. The only example of it I have ever known in my life. So to read that there is FULLNESS of joy in God's presence does comfort me as I try and imagine what she must feel now as she stands in His presence. Oh how I hope she laughs. How I hope that her voice spills out of her with laughter and giggles every day. Please let her laugh. <br />
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What a mess it is to live on this side of eternity... away from your child. My thoughts are consumed with how much longer, how many more hours, how many more days until we are all there. It hurts so much to know that we are finished parenting her. To know that we will never again be known to her as her mom and dad. I believe she will know us, but I do not believe that I will be her mommy once we are reunited. Again, I can't explain that to you. Its just what I believe. 8 years was not enough. It went so fast. <br />
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It doesn't get any easier. It never stops hurting. We think of her daily. We miss her desperately. Never would I ask her to come back, to give up what she has now gained, but the longing in my heart to smell her hair, kiss her cheeks, hold her hands, has not gone away. <br />
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What do I say? I don't say much. I'm pretty quiet now. My thoughts are consumed with her memory and my heart is forever broken.<br />
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Each day we go through the motions of this life, but never far from our thoughts and never out of our hearts is the emptiness that we were left with the moment she was taken from our lives. Grieving doesnt end with the passage of time. You move with it, breathe with it, live with it because you aren't given any other choice. It becomes a part of you. A part you hide deep inside your soul so that others can't see. Its a deep, ugly, painful secret that sneaks up on you as you wash the dishes, drive down the street, walk through the grocery store, and lay your head down at night. Tears fall silently down your face and no one knows why. I found myself alone in the house last week, washing dishes, and with the falling of the water from the faucet my tears mingled in a puddled in the sink. I whispered the words to the song I would sing as Ashley Kate lay there with her hair spilled over into my hands as I washed it each week. I could see her there so clearly and my heart hurt so deeply, Blake had come in during this time and I had no idea he was even there until I felt his strong arms wrap around me and heard him whisper that he loved me. He let me cry. Didn't try and stop me. Just let me cry till I could cry no more. Its not often that they see me fall apart. Oh how I love these children. Love how much they loved her. Love how gentle they are with Dave and I as we struggle through such loss. <br />
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Blake and Allie are beautiful people. They are these amazing young adults who were shaped by the life of a precious baby sister whom they loved deeply. I see the impact she had on them almost every day. They will live better, love deeper, and change their part of the world because God chose them to be her big brother and big sister. She was such a gift to each one of us. <br />
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What do I say? <br />
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As another transplant child makes his way "home" tonight Heaven feels so very far away. I pray God holds our children tight as our arms ache for them. No more pain, or sadness, or fear for either of them. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12507972930307768085noreply@blogger.com0