Avoidance

...because maybe if I ignore this place long enough, and fight off the urge to spill my fears and my thoughts out in this place, then maybe, just maybe...

... none of this would be happening.

Ashley held her own water cup today.  It was the first time I've seen her have the strength to do that in over a month.

She laughed today.  She cheered.  She was happy.

We had a few of those days with her last week, but then...she got tired...or so it seemed.

She spent most of yesterday asleep.

 But today...was better.

We sat out on the patio with her for hours Friday afternoon.  It was such a sweet time.  She played and we watched.  Taking the time to just enjoy those moments with her out there was the best thing I did all day.

Yesterday we planted the gardens out front.  She sat in her chair and watched as we all worked.  She laughed.  She giggled.  She clapped.   I grabbed my camera and sat under a tree... I stared at her...at Dave...at Blake...at Allie.   I wouldn't trade those images of her with them, the dirt, the flowers, the everything for anything in this world.

Today we drove.  A lot.  We drove to the restaurant in town that has a large metal rooster standing out in front of it.  Its her favorite!  Not the food...the rooster.  She asks to go there every single day and once we are there she asks us to take a picture of her rooster...so...we do.  I've been to see that rooster at least a dozen times in the last 3 days.  She never grows tired of waving to him.  I don't think I'll ever grow tired of taking her to see him.  Before bed tonight, after her bath, while being tucked in she asked to go see him...again...so I loaded her in the car and the two of us went back...to the rooster.  Just she and I.  We sat in front of him for a long while.  I tried not to cry.  I've been trying not to cry for what seems like forever.  Every day I'm fighting the urge to let the tears spill out of my eyes.   I don't want to spend my days crying.  I'm sure I'll have plenty of those in my future.  Still, I feel every single day as though I'm going to fall apart.  That stupid rooster makes me cry almost every day.  I don't know why.

Tomorrow will be our first glimpse at a lab sheet in over a week.  I'm dreading it.  I can tell you by the color of her skin and the look of her eyes that the news won't be encouraging.

So...if I can avoid talking...and writing...and sharing...then maybe all of this nonsense in her body will just stop happening...Seriously, the burden I feel is crushing me.  I struggle to move each day.  There are things I have to do and yet if I could stay locked away inside of our home with her forever and never, ever have to leave it again I think I would be ok with that.  Some days its just that hard.  It really is.

If I could put my finger on whats changed, then I think I would have to say its the news of her kidneys that has thrown me into this place.  I've known about her line issues.  I've always been prepared for her liver to give us trouble.  I mean, after all, its not even hers.  I expected to fight that battle again at some point, but the kidneys?  Two perfectly healthy, functioning kidneys that have been destroyed during the course of her 7 and 1/2 years?  Its not like we can fix that...there is no hope for those organs...outside of replacing them...my heart aches over those kidneys.  Its the news that made this all too real...

I guess I can't avoid that.