Its cold today. Really cold. Yesterday too.
I woke from a dream, what I thought was a dream...it was really a nightmare. Except I didn't realize it was a nightmare until I woke up. Its cruel. So cruel. Now that I'm wide awake, and I've walked down the hall to check her bed I see that she's not there. She's really not there. I still feel the need to check everyday...all day long...just in case this isn't really happening. In case none of this happened.
The wintery feel in the air is making me crazy. Tears roll down my cheeks because she's not in our home, snuggled under blankets, listening to her Christmas music.
Its been a strange week.
They placed her name plate upon the stone this week. It simply says...Ashley Kate. The picture of her name, upon the stone that seals her body inside, has wrecked me. I didn't go. I only stared at the picture and it has crushed me to where I feel so small...so very small...I sat in a room surrounded by people that night and as I listened to the plans for the soccer season swirl around me I felt so small. So silly for being there. Not a soul had any idea that I wanted to scream how stupid, how insignificant, how ridiculous, it all was. We continue to do our best to keep some form of normalcy for our children, so I go to meetings, to games, to whatever is on the schedule,but all the while I sit there feeling so very small in a world that kept spinning despite it all.
As we sat at lunch yesterday Dave gently broke the news to me that he had gone to pick up her death certificate Thursday. I felt a sharp, piercing pain shoot through me. I was silent, but inside I was screaming. It was so strange. I stared at him as he spoke, but heard so little of what he was saying. It all went silent after his initial statement. Something about there being errors in it, but we decided we didn't care. We would never look at it ever again. Ever. I guess its now officially over as far as the world is concerned. She was born...a certificate was issued. She left...a certificate was issued.
I sat in the gym watching my son play in a tournament and looked around the bleachers at several faces...not a single person knew the turmoil inside of me...again... I felt so small. So small in a world that is not right now that she is not in it. In a world that has no idea that I can't breathe at 6:48a.m. every Thursday morning...in a world that has no idea my husband walked over to my car yesterday to talk to the gherkin before remembering she wasn't sitting behind me...in a world that has no idea my 18 year old son curls up in his baby sisters bed to sleep...in a world that has no idea how hard our 15 year old is trying to just keep going as if her heart hasn't been shattered, she is so brave, so strong.
The wintery feel in the air is making today especially difficult. My world changed that August morning and now I feel so small, so insignificant in this giant world. It hurts so very much to be a part of it.