Expectations

In our home we have a few rules we live by. When we used to home school(in the years before our Ashley was born) we had them written on the board in the classroom. Every morning before school the kids could see this "We always do our best because 1. We represent God to the world. 2. We represent this family, our family, to the world. 3. We represent ourselves to the world. At no time does it ever become acceptable to not live up to these words. Its the core of who I want us to be. Always aware that we are not our own, but that we have a responsibility with the time God has given us. Our expectations for our children are high. Dave and I expect them to do their very best. Period. There are no exceptions. We set the bar high and they reach that bar. We don't lower the bar, because we want them to always strive to do better, to be better, to live better. They may not always BE the best at what they endeavor, but they MUST always do their best. These rules go for Blake. They are the same for Allison. Why should they be any different for our sweet Ashley?

This morning after rounds I made up mind that the expectations for our youngest daughter would be no different. Regardless of the fact that I get the feeling from the team surrounding us that they don't expect her to do this, I DO. I expect the very best for our Ashley and from our Ashley. She deserves nothing less of me. My expectations for her exceed what "medical science" may say. My expectations for her will drive me to get up each morning and face whatever is thrown at her with determination to help her overcome it. My expectations for Ash will not change no matter what. She is one of us. She is an Adams. That in itself is enough for me to realize that she can do this. She is the daughter of Dave and Trish Adams the baby sister of Blake and Allie Adams and the world will get nothing but the very best from Ashley Kathrine Adams. Those are my expectations for her. I won't change my mind. I won't.

I shed a lot of tears after rounds knowing that the surgeon thought little of her chance of survival. It hurt so much to watch him shrug his shoulders. He meant no ill will. I know he didn't. I don't even think he meant to hurt me, but it did. You see hes not fighting for her anymore. Home? You want to go there? Ok. And even though its exactly what I want for Ashley Kate it still sends a message attached to her as we depart. They aren't even fighting to keep her, to fix her, to heal her. They've given up. For now at least. Until I can prove that her life still has meaning and that her soul is still willing to live. Its at the very moment the door closed on our room here that I decided our expectations for Ashley Kate were that she could survive and go on to live for many, many years of given the chance. I expect them to give her that chance because we are taking her home soon and going to prove to them that she is still living. Even in her broken body, without a bowel, and with little line access we are going to prove that she lives. She smiles. She plays. She loves. She experiences. She fights. She continues.

The plan for the week was to allow her body to settle down from the massive operation it just underwent. Attempt line placement toward the end of the week. Celebrate her birthday Saturday. And go home early next week. However...tonight it has been discovered that our baby's entire left lung has NO movement of air through it. On x-ray it is a complete white out. Whether it be collapsed or fluid filled is yet to be determined, but her lung capacity is "severely diminished" explaining her continued need for oxygen support. Let me remind you that Ash is almost 12 lbs heavy with fluid that we have been unable to pull off of her. Where is that fluid going? More than likely it has settled into her lung. What does this mean? I'm not ready to go there and talk about the possibilities yet, but it is a snag in the overall plan. How big of a snag is yet to be seen,but its not good. They are being extremely aggressive tonight with respiratory therapy in hopes that it is collapsed and not fluid filled. By mornings x-ray we should have a better idea.

Dave and I were able to visit some this morning. We talked about how shattered our hearts are and how much we are both struggling at this time in our lives. It is impossible to walk through this journey and not have it affect every aspect of our lives. I'm telling you that this has been the toughest few days we have ever experienced and trying to pick ourselves back up and wrap our heads around what has just happened to Ash is not proving to be easy. Dave did say to me that even though we are broken and hurting that we will not allow the shattered pieces of our heart to infiltrate into our family. We will put ourselves back together and we will take Ash home and we will LIVE. Our brokenness and our tears can not steal from us even a moment of the time we are given. We will make memories. We will laugh. We will live. We will not waste even a moment on being shattered. Our kids will be watching us and how we handle the devastation will be their example of how they should be handling it. So we WILL smile. We WILL laugh again. We WILL show them that Ash has some living yet to do and we WILL soak up every single second of her life with us and hang on to it as though it were the most precious thing on this earth. The truth being that it is. We have a huge task before us because as you can tell Dave and I have been rocked by this, but I know that there is NOTHING we will not do for this family God gave to us and if that means putting my heart back together then that is what I must figure out how to do. I don't have a choice. There are no other options.

As you leave the front door of our home, posted above are these words, "LIVE YOUR LIFE IN SUCH A WAY THAT THOSE WHO KNOW YOU BUT DON'T KNOW GOD WILL COME TO KNOW HIM BECAUSE OF KNOWING YOU" tonight I remind myself of that charge. Even in my brokenness I have a responsibility to my God, my family and myself. This can't destroy who I know that I am. Even though it is trying to, I can't allow it too. It is not an option. Expectations. I'm setting them for myself tonight. Hold me to them. My kids deserve the best me, not the broken one.