Sinking Feeling

Its not often that Dave looks concerned. He is definitely the more positive of the pair and always seems to see our life as the glass half full rather than empty. He does an amazing job of maintaining this attitude and outlook where Ashley Kate is concerned.

There is a small issue concerning Ashley's right ear that I have been keeping an eye on for the better part of last week(you may remember that it bled for quite sometime following the placement of this line). Something I wasn't that worried about, but have been watching it closely. Today as I inspected it I noticed a pretty big change in its appearance. Today a very large, swollen and discolored, hard knot has developed behind this ear. The ear is very, very sore and is actually discharging an alarming amount of fluids. I called Dave in to look at it. I trust Dave. Trust him more than anyone I know and I greatly value his opinion. Especially when it comes to the kids and their health. The look on his face and the tone of his voice told me something more than what I had been suspecting may in fact be going on. "There is something not right." He looked me in the eye and said to call first thing in the morning, he wanted her to be seen as soon as possible, and thinks we may in fact need to schedule an MRI.

My heart sank. I don't want to disclose too much about what I'm fearing at this time in case its absolutely nothing other than the "norm". I'm talking about the real "norm" not an Ashley Kate kind of "norm". It is in fact exactly what I am hoping to be told. Its just that somewhere deep inside me when I saw what I saw this evening, and then when I heard his voice and saw the look on his face, my heart sank.

I'll be totally honest and throw this out there. I don't know if I can actually take much more. I just don't think I can. I am spent. Emotionally I battle each and every day to stay on top of our situation and I fight to not allow it to cause me to sink into a place that I won't make it back from.

I'll be calling in the morning in an attempt to have Ash seen as early as possible. My hope is that we are informed that there is absolutely nothing to worry about. That is what I want to hear. I'm not willing to be told anything else could be wrong with our Ashley. I'm just not going to be able to take another blow. Your prayers for this situation tonight and tomorrow would be greatly appreciated.

As far as how Ash is feeling about the whole thing? As long as I don't attempt to look too close, touch, or clean up the area then she is as happy as she's ever been. She knows something is wrong, and I catch her reacting to it every now and then, but for the most part if I leave her alone she is fine.