The daily struggle to breathe continues.
I have no desire to wake up in a home that she no longer resides in. I have no desire to step out into a world she is no longer a part of. I fight the urge to "quit" my life and all it consists of every moment of every day. I lay in bed at night and cry and tell Dave how very much I just want to quit.
I'm exhausted from the pretending. Exhausted from faking it. Exhausted from it all. Exhausted from hearing how I should move on..accept the hand God has dealt... Look for joy again... Blah, blah, blah. It's not often that I'm totally honest with anyone anymore because my honesty is uncomfortable for most.
There are no words that could ever describe this place, these feelings, the horror of helplessly watching the deteriation and suffering over her last 29 days on this earth. The nightmares never cease. So forgive me if i want it to stop. Forgive me if im being too honest today. I just dont feel like pretending today.
I miss Ashley Kate. I miss everything about her. I miss who she was. I miss who we were.
Truth. Sometimes it's painfully ugly. I've been breathing for 6 months without her and it hurts as much this Thursday morning as it did that Thursday morning.