The first time I saw you I knew. I knew before they ever told me that you were ours. I remember stepping into the room and being drawn to you. Just you. Not the other two babies in the room...but you. My heart swelled. The love I felt for you overwhelmed my soul. Never have I felt so sure of anything in my life.
Sweet Ash, there were no doubts.
Not for a moment...
I knew that God was good.
Living without you is crushing us all. We are trying so very hard to stay together and yet I feel as though your absence is pulling us apart. Is God good? As I watch us struggle day after day, each in our own ways, I've begun to wonder.
Still deep inside of me I chant to myself...He is good...He is good...He is good. Even though it doesn't feel as though He is good...He is good. He has to be.
I don't feel His presence.
I don't think He is here.
I often wonder where has He gone?
I lay awake at night and wonder where He is...
in those moments when I fail to feel as though He is with us I imagine that He is busy with you. Silly huh? I just hope that the reason I can't seem to find Him is because you are being so ornery, and so busy, and so all over the place that He has to spend His time chasing you, and listening to you talk...endlessly... I hope.
I miss you sweet Ash. I miss life with you. I miss our home being filled with your laughter. I miss your joy. I miss how you smiled. I miss how warm your little hands were in mine. I miss kissing your cheeks. I miss tucking you in.
Your rooms are empty without you in them.
Our home is empty without you here.
My heart is empty.
Tonight I'm wishing that I could whisper in your ear how very much that ... Daddy loves Ashley and Mommy loves Ashley and Blake loves Ashley and Allie loves Ashley and Jesus loves Ashley.
Just once more.
I knew in the moment that He gave you to us that He was good...I'm trying to convince myself since the moments that He took you that He still is.
I love you sweet girl. Tonight and every night for as long as I'm left here.