Celebrating You

Sweet Ash,

 Its August again...August 4th...what should be your eleventh birthday...and yet...your not here.

 Not anymore.

 Still we wanted to celebrate you.

 Your life...who you were...how you lived...and all that you accomplished in your short 8 years in this place.  But...how?  How do we celebrate when our hearts are still shattered from your absence?  How do we celebrate when we can no longer touch you, or hold you, or kiss your cheeks?  Its been so difficult to be separated from you today.  So painful to not see your smile, hear your giggles, and watch your eyes twinkle. I've longed to know you at this age. Who would you be? How beautiful? I hope we honored your memory well today.  I hope we brought glory to the Father with our attempts today.  Our focus was to spread JOY to those around us in celebration of you. Little acts of kindness in memory of the little girl who forever changed us.

Early this morning Daddy and I took a balloon to your memorial.  To the place that we go when our hearts are longing to be close to you.  I tied a single pink balloon around "your" wrist and watched the breeze cause it to slowly sway above your head.  I desperately wanted to be somewhere else with you.   Anywhere else but that place.  I wanted to run to where you are...to where you really are.  I know your soul is not here,  I know its not there because I watched it leave your body as you left for Heaven, I felt your last breath escape your broken body and I kissed your cheeks a thousand times when it did.   But this is the last place I saw your tiny face and so,,,its the place I go.  Its all we have for now,  Its the only place we can go to "see" you.

I've cried a million tears since that moment you left, and I know I'll cry a million more.  My heart broke into a million pieces that morning, and I still find myself trying to pick the pile of it up off the floor. Ive struggled to breathe more days than not.  I've spent so many sleepless nights without you here, desperately trying to remember every feature of your face. You were so, so beautiful and I intentionally tried to make a forever memory of you so I would have it if the day ever came that you were no longer here.

Precious girl of mine I will cry a million more tears but take great peace in knowing that tears no longer escape from your eyes.  I'll pick up the pieces of my broken heart a million times over knowing that your heart will never break again.  I'll fight for each breath and take that on willingly  because I know you will never have to labor for another.  I'll give up a peaceful nights sleep for as many nights as I'm left here because I know you now know perfect peace.  There are no more sleepless nights for you to suffer through.  My pain is great, but yours is no more.  For that I am so thankful.  Your pain is gone, your tears are dry, your heart doesn't hurt, your labored breaths have ceased and you live in perfect peace.  For every moment of eternity you now have peace.  If I had to choose between the pain I feel since you left or the pain you were forced to endure then I choose me a million times over so that your struggle could come to an end.

But I miss you desperately.

 Today,

Tomorrow.

Everyday until my life ends.

 You are so loved.  Still so very loved.  Forever loved...Forever missed...Forever eight.

Happy Birthday sweet girl.  How I wish I could tell you face to face.