It would have been...

...her 12th birthday today.

We haven't seen her face since just after her 8th.  How can that even be true? Time doesn't seem to work the way it used to.  It feels like its been forever, and yet it feels like it was just yesterday that we celebrated her 8 years of life.  I can't make sense of it.  Any of it.

Its become tradition over the last 4 birthdays for us to spend this day performing random acts of kindness around our community in celebration of the life that Ashley Kate lived.  She lived a beautiful life.  So full of joy.  Still it stretches us to our emotional limits to put ourselves out there on this day, and even though we experienced great joy today in sharing with those we came in contact with the tears still flowed.  Tonight I sit here in our home with pounding head and heart from the range of emotions we experienced throughout the day.

I wish I could share that time heals and things get easier as the years pass, but the truth is that it hurts. It still hurts. The hurting doesn't go away.  The tears don't dry up.  The empty place that is left inside of your heart when your child loses her battle in this life does not fill itself back up.  It just doesn't.  Standing in the middle of a cemetery on the date that you celebrate the life of your little girl will never feel normal.

I share all of that because that is truth.  It is the reality of living without her here with us.

But...we know we were blessed.  We are still blessed.  Our family was given a gift August 4, 2005 when that tiny 2lb bundle of baby girl took her first breath in this world.  She left us with beautiful memories that flood over our hearts on a daily basis.  We have hurts, but we also have joy  We have joy because she taught us to feel joy.

Ashley Kate, you beautiful soul, your mommy and daddy love you so very much.  We miss you.  We wish we could see who you would have been at 12 years old.   I can't imagine what your day held. I hope that it was filled with joy and laughter. Being in the presence of Jesus is so much more than what we could have given to you on this special day.  Happy 12th Birthday to you our sweet, sweet girl.

You are and will always be...Forever loved...forever missed...forever eight.