A hard day

It is amazing to me how quickly life can change. This morning things looked so good for Ash, but by 12:00 I knew that something was not right. Ashley had a panic in her eyes throughout the afternoon as her heart rate began to climb. She was showing no temperature but something was not right. They were never able to make Ashley comfortable with her level of pain. They tried everything but nothing was helping her. They called the surgeon in to look at the stoma site and he ordered some x-rays to check blood supply to the new bowel. When Ashleys heart rate hit 2oo they decided to be cautious and go inside to check the new organs. I am so thankful they decided to go inside!

The absolute hardest thing in the world is to watch one of your children suffer. It seemed like my heart was going to burst. Ashley endured so much today and I was totally helpless. I could not spare her any of the pain or fear she was experiencing. Have you ever hurt so bad inside that it made you physically ill? I can't describe in words the way it felt today. I was pleading with God for Ashley's sake. When I ran out of words I would say Please God, Please God, Please God, just another day. The pain in my heart was so intense and although I wanted to trust Him with everything I was failing. The fear would over take me and my heart would race and my hands would shake and then He would bring me back to a calm and a peace. I went through this cycle for hours tonight as I tried so hard to be strong. How do you pray and how do you ask Him for things when you are out of words? Once again He brought Ash through. She is still struggling tonight with a fever and an infecton of some type, but I know He loves her. How much more must it break His heart as He watches His children suffer? He is growing me through my daughters life and I pray that if she has to endure all of this that I will not fail the lessons He is trying to teach me. He has allowed me to hold her hand and whisper in her ear how very much she is loved for another night and I am eternally grateful to Him to be allowed to be Ashley's mom.