Still Waiting...

I am still waiting for Ashley to wake up. The paralytic has been turned off since early yesterday morning and she is still sleeping. I have seen her move her arms and legs. She has also been shaking her head back and forth telling us that she does not want the tube in her mouth. At one point she actually squeezed my finger with her right hand. There have been so many days when this was the only way she could communicate to let me know that she was still in there and that she loved me. I am now waiting for her to open her eyes. I am talking to her and I can see her heart rate increase so I know she can hear my voice.

There have been moments the last few days when I just couldn't put into words the thoughts and fears that were inside of me. I am just now able to acknowledge what He knew was in my heart all along. I had lunch in the cafeteria with another mom who has become such a precious friend to me during the last couple of weeks. As I sat down and caught her up on all of what we had been through over the weekend the tears poured from my eyes. I have felt an absolute desperation as I watched my beautiful Ashley slip away from me and into this last setback. I would pray and ask God to heal her, and to bring her back, and to hold her, and to allow her to wake up again, and to get us through one more time. The one thing I could not say to Him is that whatever His will would be for my Ashley that I would accept it and be o.k. There is a part of me that even though I know how much He loves her that just won't allow myself to say if He needs her more than I do than His will be done. As I visited with my friend, once again I realized that He more than anyone else knows and understands what it feels like to watch your child suffer. He has been where I am, and He knows the pain in my heart. How long will it take for me to reach where He wants me to be? When will I get it?

So tonight I am not the only one waiting. As I sit and wait for my Ashley to open her eyes, I have figured out that He too waits for me to open mine. I am so thankful He loves me enough to see past the times that I fail Him and still chooses to forgive me. I am so thankful to know that He is still willing to wait for me in the times when my faith is weak.