This Mornings Plan

The feelings I got during rounds this morning are very hard to explain. There were a couple of things discussed that make me feel as though we are going to beat this and be able to move on. Those things encourage me. Then there are parts of the discussion that make me very aware of just what a long walk back it is going to be. So I will do my best to explain what I think is going to take place.

First of all we are continuing to make progress on the "ugly" ventilator. That is a blessing. The progress has been slow, but it is still there. The goal for the week is to attempt to have Ash on the conventional vent by Wednesday. At this point I have stepped out of the room while they have decided to hand bag Ashley's breathing to get a feel for how tight her lungs are. This will give them a better understanding of when and if she will be ready to move off of this vent. It makes me nervous anytime I see them breathing for her with a bag.

The doctor in rounds this morning does not feel as though the bacteria that was identified in her blood stream is really the reason she has become so sick. It doesn't seem to make sense as to why she went down hill so quickly. It may be a combination of this bacteria and the fact thay it seems Ash may have aspirated into her lungs again during one of her vomitting episodes. I was told this morning that he believes we will be able to bring her back from this and treat her for this infection. That is good news. I am more than thankful to hear that. This morning has been the first time someone has told us they believe she will recover. I know that ultimately God is in control of Ashley's recovery, but I am thankful He has placed here with such an amazing team of doctors and nurses.

The results of the ultrasound are not critical. The fluid should resolve itself as Ashley's body begins to transfer it back into the correct spaces. We are using some more diuretics this morning to try and remove some of it. Ashley's ostomy output has more than doubled in the last 24 hours and we are suspecting she has picked up another virus since returning to the PICU. They will be sending samples and trying to identify it today. It may also be caused from the strong and aggressive use of antibiotics she is on.

Some of the more difficult parts of this mornings conversations were the realization that we will be here for a very long time. At this point, outside of a direct miracle from God, we will be spending Christmas here in the PICU. My heart breaks for my children, but we will do the very best we can to make it special for all 3 of them. After Ash recovers from this setback we will not leave the hospital again until the vomitting issues have been resolved. There is no way to know how long this will take. Ashley and I will probably be living in Omaha much longer than we had hoped. My fear in this is the length of time spent away from my Blake and my Allison. Tears fall from my eyes as I wonder who they will become at the end of this journey. I pray with all that is in me that my relationship and my friendship with my children will not be altered. This is absolutely the most difficult part for me. I love them both so very much and I hope they will one day realize that although I was absent my heart was always present. Father, please restore my family someday and allow us to be together again.

More than ever I am learning to trust in God. My heart may break and the tears may fall, but He is with us every step of the way as we travel this path. I don't question. I just try to accept. I may never understand why she has to struggle and why this has to be so hard, but I do understand that He wants what is best for Ashley and for all of us. The days are long and the nights are even longer, but I know that He can see the end. The end that will result in all of us living at home in our little house again. Happy just to be together and to be loved by the One who put us together as a family.