Fragile...

This morning we learn just how fragile our little one truly is. Ashley has always been so very tiny, and petite. Each day as I study her face I am in awe of how He created my daughter. Although she is little her spirit is so very big, even though she is weak and fragile at this moment in her life I admire her strength. Last night her nurse tried to reposition her. When she began to move one of Ashley's blankets the monitors began to alarm and her saturations started dropping. Just the movement of a blanket against her skin can cause her to be in distress. This is why we are not allowed to touch her at this point. She is just too fragile, and any touch or movement can cause her to struggle more. As a parent your instinct is to pick up your children to try and comfort them when they are sick or hurting, but we can not act on that instinct. Instead we just sit next to her bed and empty our hearts before the Lord asking for Him to heal our sweet Ashley. I have found myself begging once again for just one more day. Please don't let today be the day. Ash has so much to give to this world that I can't accept the thought of her not being around to do all she was created to do. She will come back, and what a story she will tell!

There are many things happening this morning. We have been told that a bacteria has grown back in one of the cultures. It is in her blood steam and this is thought to be the cause of her sepsis. Where or how it originated is unknown. Sometimes the body reacts by making toxins in response to something else. We also know that she has pnuemonia in both lungs causing her to be in respiratory distress. We will know Ash is starting to recover when they are able to make changes in her ventilator settings. We are taking blood gases frequently to see what the levels of oxygen and carbon dioxide are. These levels help in determing when and if changes can be made. We will begin using a diaretic in an attempt to help Ashley urinate. She has only had 11ccs out so far today. They are talking about beginning dialysis to help her through this time. There are other things creeping into our minds about how long Ash's sats were low and how low they dropped. We are trying not to allow ourselves to think about the results of these things. That is another battle for another day.

If there are blessing to be found and I know that there are, it would be that today we have some direction as to why she is so sick. We know what bacteria we are fighting and we can be more specific in the attack. Another blessing I am counting is that many of the nurses have become so much more than just nurses. They are now my friends and they love my Ashley. They too are praying for her to recover and they are working hard to take care of her. God has provided me with a support system here in the halls of this hospital and that brings me great comfort. I am also thankful that Dave was able to come. I did not want him to fly in because I worry so much about the "real" life issues we are facing back home. The financial responsibilities that he has and the responsibility he has to stay and take care of his patients are both very important. We are truly blessed by the patients God has brought to our office. They continue to bring stength to him as they come in each day and share their hearts with him. I am thankful God has brought these precious people into our lives through our office. Although I would like for Dave to stay with me, real life requires him to work. I know that God will provide for our needs just as He always has. It is also improtant for David to be the constant in Blake and Allison's life. They need to feel the safety and stability that he provides for our family. I am worried about the burdens they carry on their tiny hearts.

Even at this time in Ashley's story I still know that God is with us. He is taking care of my sweet girl and holding her for me because I can not. I prayed by her bedside this morning and asked Him to please slide His hands around her ever so gently so that she would feel the presence of someone who loves her holding her. I know that He is there. Thank you for loving our Ashley. Thank you for telling His story by telling hers. Thank you for praying on your knees daily for my baby. You are carrying a heavy load when we feel as though we can no longer. Each of your prayers are more valualbe than silver or gold. We owe you each so very much and we love you for walking through Ashley's story with us. May He bless you for your kindness to a little one so many of you have never met. Love , Trish