Re writing this page of her Story...

This should have been one of the happiest days. This was supposed to be what we had been working for. Once again my heart aches with disappointment. My heart longs for answers and understanding. It seems my heart just breaks over and over again. Maybe this time I will learn that nothing on this journey is what it seems to be.

Tonight Ashley's skin turned a bluish gray and her little limbs were lifeless. She was very "clamy" and sweaty. Her temperature would not come over 96 degrees. Her sats were down into the 30 and 40s at times. Her blood pressures were also lower than they have ever been. She worked and worked at breathing on her own, but in the end she just gave up. They are now placing her on the ventilator and she is leaving me once again. They have sedated her and will keep her down for the rest of the night. There will be no smiles, no giggles, and no tiny little voice calling "Mama". I don't understand. I don't have words. All I do is cry and I can't seem to stop. I want to scream but I don't know what to scream about. I want to pick her up and run away, but there is no where to run to. I am so lost and so hurt! Tomorrow we will start over. Maybe at the beginning. No one has any answers about where we will go from here.

I am regretting the fact that we told Blake and Allison that we had been discharged out of the hospital. They don't deserve the hurt they will feel. I sometimes wonder if they will ever understand why I am absent from their lives. Will they ever be able to forgive me. They love Ashley so much and Dave and I were so touched by their reaction to our good news. We should have used more wisdom and not have told them anything. Now they will suffer because of our choice. They were so excited about going to school tomorrow and telling everyone how good Ash was doing. What do we do now?

I don't know what to think about this day so it is very difficult for me write about it. I never had the chance to call and tell my family the good news. I guess this is why. My head is pounding and my stomach is feeling very sick. I wish I could re-write this page in her story. I guess we all know by now that the next chapter did not begin the way I had hoped it would. The words "We made it out" will have to be changed to "We have gone back in". Something tells me I am not going to like the way this one starts.

I can't say that I am excited about what lessons will come from this. I just can't allow my faith in all that I know to be true to waiver. I know He loves my daughter and I know He wants the best for her. I don't have to understand the reasons why, I just have to keep looking up and keep going forward. I just pray and pray that my Ashley's story will have a happy ending.