We are Searching

Tonight we find ourselves still searching for the problem. My Ashley continues to scream uncontrollably and has now been screaming for 5 days. They can find no answers. This afternoon they gave her a very heavy mixture of narcotics to put her to sleep and to give her a break from the constant screaming. I am at a loss. What could be happening to her?

Today's CT scan did show that she has suffered 3 broken ribs. We are attributing the fractures to the CPR she received a few weeks ago. As I told one of the physicians today if I had to choose between a few broken ribs and her life I will take the broken ribs. Although we just found the fractures today it is not believed to be the cause of her current discomfort. I have convinced them to begin looking for possible lower extremity fractures as well. They have ordered a full skeletal scan to determine if she has any other broken bones. I am not sure if they will get it done tonight or in the morning but I am pushing for tonight. Other than this we are all out of ideas. No one knows where to look next.

I am exhausted. She is exhausted. My heart screams along with her. We need answers. She needs relief from the pain she is experiencing. I really don't know what else to do. She seems to get some comfort from being held so that is what I am trying to do. I apologize for not posting sooner, but I have not been able to put into words the despair I am feeling for my daughter. Her screaming is constant. It can be heard all the way down the hall. She sleeps for brief moments between but is quickly awakened by the pain. Where is it coming from? How I wish it were me and not her. I would do this for her. If only I could take her place.

I find myself begging God to give us the answer. Maybe I am wrong for this. I have no idea what is the right way and the wrong way to pray at this point. I just know that He can take this from her. He created her. He knows her inside and out.

As I visited with one of the doctors on our team tonight this is what I shared with him. I realize that Ashley's life is much more valuable to me than any one else in this hospital. This is my daughter. I more than anyone want for her to live. They walk out of our room each morning and on to the next. They each go home at night to their families. My burdens are not their burdens. This is a job. A job they do well, but it is still just a job. They do not have to carry this burden 24/7, but please think for a moment what it would be like if it were your child. How would you handle this situation? What would you do in my place? I promise you would become just as desperate for answers and solutions as I am. You would be here and never leave. If this were your baby, you would fight just as hard and just as long. Please don't judge me. I am all she has. I am her mom and there is NOTHING I will not do for her. She deserves nothing less than my best. In the end I know that there is nothing they can do for my Ashley that lies outside of His will for her. It is the Father that will determine the path that her life will take. Do not think for one minute that I am confused in this area. I believe that God led us to this hospital, to this team of surgeons, to this staff of nurses. I have nothing but respect and admiration for each one who cares for my Ashley.


As tired as I am and as difficult as the past few days have been, we are still blessed. Ashley is being fed at a rate of 20ccs per hour and she is NOT gagging or vomiting. This is a record for us. Could she actually do it this time? Only the Father knows, but tonight I am thankful she is being fed. Ashleys new organs are working beautifully. We are more than thankful for this. She has been given a chance to live and we know that this was a gift. One that only He could give to her. Ash is 18months old as of this week and we are the lucky ones who get to be her parents. She is amazing. She is beautiful. She is strong. She is silly. She is determined. She is stubborn. She is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I never want to fail to realize how blessed we have been. We will get her through this difficult time. He is still working in her life. Thank you for your patience with me today. I appreciate all of you who continued to pray for us even without an update. I couldn't do this without the support you are giving to me. You make me stronger. Thank you for loving my Ashley and for reading her story. God bless you. Trish