Not sleeping well tonight. The closer it gets to Monday and our return trip to Omaha the more I find myself wondering, wishing, hoping and praying for the tests to show a complete remission. As I lay in bed and think of cancer and how it seems to be surrounding me this week the tears fall freely from my eyes.
A couple of years ago I knew no one with cancer. The disease had yet to make its way into my circle or my family. I never gave it much thought. Lately, especially this week it consumes my thoughts.
Cancer has now touched my circle. It has invaded my family. It has invaded my circle of friends.
My heart aches for those who are battling this disease. You can't see it outwardly, but it is fighting to destroy them. Nicole has cancer. Amy has cancer. Sweet Heather has cancer. My dear friends father, Sam, has cancer. My pastor has cancer. My daughter has cancer. My aunt will bury her son this week. He died of cancer. It is a disease that seems to come out of no where. It attacks the strong. It attacks the weak. It attacks the old. It attacks the young. Tonight the knowledge of these precious ones who are fighting for their very lives attacks my soul.
I cry out to the Father to heal them. To heal their hurts. Physical and Emotional. My sweet Ashley Kate has no idea what battle she has been fighting. She doesn't understand what is going on and I thank God for that. I see this as His mercy. She continues to laugh and play even on the hard days.
Two things that my Ashley does not have going for her in this fight. The first, it was diagnosed within one year of her transplant. The likely hood of it coming back and trying to take her life is very, very real. The second, she has monoclonal cells rather than poly clonal. Upon diagnosis her little body had already begun to make single antibodies rather than producing several.
Something my sweet Ashley Kate does have going for her. She has a body of supporters who faithfully pray for her. She also has a heavenly Father who loves her and who I BELIEVE has a bigger plan for her life.
If the cancer is still there and if they tell us we have to go another round with it then I will trust that it is in His plan for my little one. The thought of it showing up in her scan next week causes huge tears to fall, but if her battle can bring glory to Him then we will accept it and keep fighting. If one life is changed by what He is doing in her life and in her story then it will have been worth it all. She is tough. Not just a baby gherkin anymore. She grows stronger and more alive with each passing day.
She sleeps and I lie awake afraid to turn Blue off for fear of waking her. She rests with no knowledge of what is in store for her next week and I pray for rest to come to my mind so that I may sleep too.