Bedtime Tears

I usually hold it all together until I lay my head down in the dark. I have made it through the last two days without falling apart, but bedtime is a whole different story. My heart aches at night. I miss home. I miss Blake. I miss Allison. I miss Dave. This room feels so empty compared to our home and it just reminds me that this is not where she belongs. This is not where she was meant to grow up.

I hurt for Ash. For the discomfort she is in. For the pain her body goes through. For the uncertainty of her future.

I hurt for Blake and Al. Tomorrow will be their first day back to school since we left. I know it will be hard on them. There will be no notes in their lunch bags. There will be no mom in the carpool line. There will be no Ashley when they open the car door. There will be no "routine" that they have come to depend on.

I hurt for Dave. What an amazing person he is. I hurt because I know his heart is heavy and his mind is filled with so many things that he must do. He is exhausted after traveling this morning and then working a full day in the office and then staying late to play catch up on all he had to let go last week while Ash was in the hospital. Once he came home he needed to spend time with the kids and connect with them after being away from them all weekend. When it came time to visit on the phone tonight he had nothing left. "Can we just talk about it all tomorrow?"

Tonight its been a little rough. Its my first night here alone and my heart longs to have Ashley back home in her crib. I wish so desperately to have been the one to tell the children goodnight. To hear their silly stories. To kiss them on their foreheads as they slept. Tonight as I rocked Ash to sleep and I thanked God for this child in my arms. For her life and her spirit. For her organs and the time He has given us with her. She has been struggling a lot tonight. Its been her hardest night as well. Her tummy hurts. She is uncomfortable and frustrated by the drugs we are hoping can heal her damaged bowel. She tried and tried to pull handfuls of her hair out. She pulled so hard she screamed over and over again,but would not let it go. I can't figure it out. Maybe the pain from her hair was a distraction from the discomfort she is in? I just don't know.

She is finally resting and I think she will be able to sleep all night. I'm going to take her vitals and record her output at midnight and then not touch her until labs at 5:30. The room is dark and our relaxing Christmas Cd is playing in the background. It brings such peace to my heart to hear the sounds as we drift off to sleep.

My bedtime prayers are filled with bedtime tears. I have been in this place before. It doesn't last forever, but it does for a while. I would like to think it will get easier as time goes on, but it really doesn't. The longer we are away the more we long to be home. Please, God let this be a short time and allow us to go home where we are loved.

Good night from Nebraska. Trish