Understanding?

I will NEVER understand. I know that I won't. None of it makes any sense to me.

Children who are sick, hurting, dying? There are no answers. We have searched and searched over the last 3 years and we just don't get it and know that we never will.

This morning Dave and I listened as the speakers announced, "Pediatric Code Blue". Do you know what that means? A child is dying. I will never get used to living in the PICU. It hurts. Even when its not your own it hurts more than words will ever describe. Please pray. Not only for Ash, but for this other transplant child and all of them who are here in these halls. It is the hardest road we have ever gone down. It doesn't get easy. They are so, so fragile.

Despite her growling, clawing, yelling, and grinding of teeth Ashley Kate looks strong. She is angry and frustrated and very swollen, but still able to sit on her daddy's lap and watch Blue. That is encouraging my heart. She has strong vitals and is breathing well. We have requested to be moved to the floor and out of the PICU. I think they are working on finding a room.

I have no idea what is going to happen inside Ashley's body this time. I really have no idea. Last time it almost killed her. I pray we have caught it early and will be able to successfully treat her bowel before it can affect her body and endanger her life.

Hug your children tightly. We were never promised a lifetime with them. Every moment with Ash, Blake, and Al are gifts. I have learned to treasure the beauty of home, of normal, and of nothing special. They are only ours to borrow and in some ways that knowledge comforts me and in other ways it haunts me. Only God knows the number of their days.