Wrestling

Back and forth with a lot of thoughts. I feel as though I 'm going at it with the Father. I have yelled and cried and screamed and sobbed and felt ashamed and sorry and then started it all over again. The drive from Longview to Shreveport tonight wasn't pretty and I'm so grateful no one else was in the car with me.

Tears won't stop coming. I cried as the plane lifted off knowing where we were headed and realizing it is the loneliest place on this earth for me. Blake, Allie and Dave will not be with us as we fight this battle again. The knowledge of that is breaking my heart. The knowledge of all that Ashley Kate must endure and the fear in her eyes as strangers lay their hands on her is almost more than I can bare. As the flight continued we drifted in and out of sleep. I would startle awake to find out that it was not a dream. This is happening. Again. Ashley and I are leaving our home to live away from those we love and those who love us.

Kicking and screaming are doing absolutely nothing to change the situation we are in, but I can't seem to help it. I'm tired. Very weak. Still recovering from being knocked down myself a couple of months back. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. Perhaps I will feel stronger and more optimistic, but tonight all I can tell you is that yes, my heart has been broken once again and it hurts.

Our sweet baby, the absolute joy of our home, has a more uncertain future then she did just a few days ago and the reality of knowing that its going to be another long fight for her is overwhelming. Does God still love her? I KNOW that He does. Does He still love me? I'm not sure why, but I trust Him when He tells me so. One thing I have learned over the last 3 years is that He is a BIG God and He can handle my attempts at coming to grips with our situation. He won't run from me, but will love me in spite of myself and my brokenness.

Ashley Kate is now sleeping and Dave is trying to. He shared with me that he doesn't want to allow himself to think. His mind is flooded with thoughts of what tomorrow will bring, and all that will happen next week. He must leave first thing Monday morning and I know that is burdening him. All I could do was cry and ask him to love on our kids. Take good care of them and spend an extra long time as you tell them goodnight. He must love them enough for us both while I am away. It hurt so bad today telling them goodbye because they knew there was no way I could tell them when we would be home.

So, here we are once again, expressing to you our gratitude for your prayers for this tiny pickle whom we were allowed to call ours. Thank you so very much for loving her. It means more than you will ever, ever know. Trish