What do you do...
...when your disappointed in parts of His plan?
I really and truly don't know. My Bible tells me that God is in control and that He does have a plan. I also know that He loves her even more than I do (although its hard for me to imagine a stronger love). My Bible also tells me that He has plans to prosper and not hurt her. His plan is for her good(and mine).
BUT...my heart is disappointed. My heart hurts and wants to change this part of the plan. Not all of it, but the part that hurts her. The part that causes her to go through another round of treatment. The part that keeps her here in this hospital away from her daddy, from Blake and from Allie.
Is it ok to say that I believe His ways are higher than mine, but that I want to scream when they don't line up? Is it ok to say that the disappointment is overwhelming on some days and my confusion over why she must struggle clouds my mind?
Can I tell you that I love this child so deeply that I ache when I look into her eyes. When they are filled with confusion and pain I literally,physically ache. His heart must break too.
Ashley's biopsy has good and bad news in it. The good news is what I shared yesterday. It looks as though there IS healing taking place in some areas. The bad news is that in other areas she is still in ongoing rejection and therefore she must be treated again. That means 3 more days of slamming her with medication to try and stop the spread of the rejection. If we don't then it could take over and flare it all back into ongoing. I am both thankful and disappointed. Thankful because it seems to be working, disappointed because it didn't do the "trick". I SO badly wanted to be told that it was gone and that now we would concentrate on feeding the bowel to promote more healing and work towards home.
They are ordering the first dose of the 2nd round. In addition to that we must again increase her immunosupression. All of this an attempt to stop the rejection. Her slides have been down graded from severe to mild and for this I am so thankful.
She is precious and snugly. Not feeling her best, makes her all the more "rockable". Although I would much rather this tiny girl to feel like scooting across the floor today, I will cherish the moments I get to hold her close, and kiss the top of her head, smell her sweet hair, and feel her little hands hold on to me as tight as she can. I know her daddy would love to be able to do that today.
Sometimes I just don't understand, but in the end I KNOW He is good and He loves us. Its going to be ok. Somehow, it will be ok.