It started raining

Ashley Kate and I made our way back to the PICU in Shreveport. She's finally resting after multiple attempts to get blood from her worn out veins. It took a very long time to find anything that was "healthy" enough to attempt to stick.

Around 5am things began to change and I knew by 8am that we would no longer be spending our days at home. A high fever spiked, vomiting began, and a loss of 450ccs in stool all in that 3 hour period told me we may be headed for trouble. I checked her O2 sats (low 90's), her heart rate(high 190's), her respiration's(mid 60's) and then tossed some things in a bag and loaded her up.

We are now settled and waiting for a plan. I know we will be scoping and taking biopsies at some point. I prefer today, but expect tomorrow. Based on those results we will know which direction we are headed. She will also be receiving that femoral line at some point. Currently we are all hoping for a line infection in this temporary line or still clinging to the idea of an unknown virus. Past that those things it all points toward the ugly "R" word. She is stable, very, very tired, but stable.

If she is in the "R" word then most likely it was triggered from the two line infections and bouts with sepsis she has been through in the last couple of months. Anytime her body gets sick it attempts to ramp up her immune system and this in turn places her organs in jeopardy. I hope with all that I have that we are not facing this issue yet again. I just don't know what we will do if we are. I honestly don't. I've never had to spend the summer away from Blake and Allie. It seems were always there during the school year which serves as a great distraction for them both. So many things are planned for them this summer that I can't imagine missing out on it all. Allie's big tournament is this weekend and Blake has a string of State tournaments coming up in June with a National tournament in July. I can't believe this is happening to Ash again. I really can't believe it. There are moments in my day when I want to stomp my feet and scream as loud as I can because I'm just not getting my way(you know if I had my way NONE of this would be happening to Ashley Kate and she would just be a normal, healthy, little girl). Then I realize it's pointless to act like a toddler and pray that somehow in someway my youngest daughter will instead get that very opportunity that I am fighting not indulge in. I would give most anything I have to see her stomp her feet and scream over not getting something she wanted. Yes, I really would. Instead I get to watch her cry crocodile tears from the needles in her arms, sign the words "hurt and cry", and reach out for me to make it all stop.

Oh, sweet girl, just hang on. We are trying so hard to give you that normal life you deserve and to see your days filled with nothing but giggles and play. Just keep being tough. Someday we might get you there. I love you, Ash. I truly do. I'm here with you and I'm not going anywhere. You are not alone. I'm so, so sorry your sick again. So, so sorry.