Reflections from a Mom's Heart
With the loss of phone service AND Internet service I have lots and lots of time to devote to preparing the house for listing, enjoying the children, and reflecting on my job as their mom. Its amazing what you can get done when your little laptop is out of service and your phone stops ringing. This afternoon I've stepped out to the office during the lunch hour to "hijack" Dave's personal computer in his office and post a little update.
First and foremost Ash is doing well. Not perfect, but well and for that I am so very grateful. She has been free from our daily episodes(I won't type it out because I believe its the avenue that is causing these things to keep occurring) but the word begins with the letter that comes after "U" and ends with the letter that comes after "S". Is that confusing enough for you? Its been 3 whole days free and 3 whole days with our little one sleeping back in her nursery. Amazing how good it feels to tuck that sweet girl in to her her own bed in her own room surrounded by all things "Ashley". She has continued to enjoy her baths this week and has been fever and symptom free from her bout with sepsis. Again our hearts are very, very grateful.
Mother's Day. What an amazing experience it is to be a mom. Without a doubt the best thing I've ever done. In my younger years never did I imagine myself as a mom. Nor a wife for that matter. I was focused on growing up to do other things, but oh what a gift it has been to see the direction God has taken my life. Not my plan, but His and I have learned how important it is to live according to His plan for my life rather than my own. I would have missed so much.
Marriage was not appealing to me in any way. My experience growing up was not what I would call a good one when watching the marriages in my family play out. I had no desire to be in that type of a "mess" and so motherhood kind of took the same back seat when thinking about what I would do when I grew up. I grew up in a broken home. Not something I speak about very often. My parents split up when I was only 7 years old and I never quite understood what took place. I woke up one morning and my mom was gone and that's all I remember about that time. Shortly after my parents both remarried and once again the examples were nothing that I desired to have in my life. I was raised by my father, whom I love very much, and his wife, my stepmother who proved not to be a very kind person to my siblings and I. I won't go into the details, but I will share that I had no idea what it meant to be a mom. There was no real example lived out in front of me. Since my childhood, God has restored a relationship with my mom and I love her very, very much. She and my father are both good people and I don't judge them in anyway because I didn't have to walk in their shoes. My relationship with both of them is strong and I am grateful.
When I married Dave I knew that I wanted things to be different. Different from every thing I had ever witnessed. I didn't know exactly what I wanted I just knew it couldn't be the same as what I knew marriage to be. God has truly blessed us. Our marriage is as strong as any I know and I trust Dave with my life, my heart, and my dreams. Only God could give such a gift. I believe its our friendship that seals our relationship. We have fun. Lots and lots of fun together. When the children came along again all I knew is what I didn't want motherhood to be. I took what I knew from my childhood and used it to form who I am to Blake, Allison and Ashley. I'm not perfect by any means, and I'm not even sure that I would say I'm good at it, but I will say that it is one of my highest priorities in life and a work in progress. There is no greater job that to be their mom.
What is it that I want for Blake and Allie and Ashley? I want them to feel loved. To know that without a doubt their mom loves them NO MATTER WHAT. I love these young people and I am honored to be their mom. I want to provide for them a safe place. A place to fall when life gets crazy and know that they will not be hurt. I want them to know the pride I feel in being their mom. In all honesty I look at these children and feel such pride in knowing I get to be the one they call their mom. Oh, how good are the gifts the Lord gives to us. Something I never dreamed I would desire, but He knew and He gave abundantly. I want for them to be happy. Undeniably happy. Joy inside of their hearts. Joy of the Lord. I want to walk beside them as they chase their dreams. Large and small. They know that Dave and I support them in all they do and it is not something we take lightly. Their hearts desires will be what shapes them. Dream big and work hard. God will bless their efforts as they seek to give Him glory in all they do. I truly believe this. Laugh. Be silly. Even goofy(like their dad). I want to see them smile each and every day. Life is hard and childhood is short. I want for them to enjoy it. Worry free. There will be plenty of time for them to grow up and take on the "worries of the world." I just don't want for them to have to live like that now.
I am blessed. Blessed by the three that God chose for us. Blessed to hear them call my name. Blessed to be the one they look up to the stands and search for. Blessed to be the driver of the car they climb into each afternoon. Blessed to get to listen to them rattle on and on about the days events. Blessed to kiss them goodnight. Blessed to pray with them. Blessed in those moments when they open up the windows of their hearts and share the burdens that lie within. Blessed.
Motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I cherish the time I have with them and as they become young people before my eyes I am reminded how short my time with them is. So for today I am concentrating on who they are right now. 13, 11, and 3. With each age and each child comes whole set of "fun" issues to tackle and it my privilege to be the one they run to with them.
I've said it to them their entire lives and I'll say it again, "Of all the kids in all the world if I could choose the ones I wanted I would choose you. I really, really would". More than just loving them, I get to say that I like them. It was a good mother's day and I hope yours was too.
Take care my friends. I have no idea when we will have service again so it may be a couple days before we can post. Until then, enjoy and have a great day. Trish