What I Miss most...

This girl. She's so much fun and I miss the laughter she brings to my life. I love you Allie B!





This young man. He's no longer a boy. When I look into his eyes I see the best parts of his dad and his mom. Blake, your mom loves you and I would still choose you! (Hi, Allison, thanks for making him smile. I really appreciate who you are and what you mean to him:)



These smiles. Their joy. The twinkle in their eyes when they are together. I miss this! Dave, we love you, we miss you, and we can't wait to come back home to you. Your my best friend and her favorite person.



I miss home. Everyday we are away from our family is a day I can never get back. There is no recovering lost time. I don't have much time left to be their mom. They are growing up so quickly and before I know they are going to be out on their own. Not a day goes by that I am not aware of how truly blessed Dave and I are. We have amazing children. Words fail me when I try to share just how great they are. I not only love them, but I like them.

"How I wish she didn't have to have a transplant. I wish she could have been born and just come home with us. " The words from the heart of her daddy who is breaking over what she is going through and what we are facing. "We will know more on Wednesday. Until then lets just keep going." I'm trying so hard to be positive and to believe its all going to be fine. I do really good until I step out in the halls and the nurses or the techs or the therapists or the coordinators look my way and tell me how very sorry they are. Then I start to worry. I wonder if I'm being naive. They must know something more than I do. I think she can do this. I truly do. Do they believe she can? They have to. They've seen her fight before. Ashley Kate can do this. She has to. There is no other way this can end.

I held her tonight. She reached up and signed hold you. She hasn't felt good enough to be touched in days and days. I scooted onto her bed and just held her tiny body next to my chest. I rocked and sang until the tears became so great that I couldn't sing anymore. I need my daughter. I don't just love her, but I need her. I need her to come home with me. Oh what a gift it is just to hold her. I ache so much inside that it soothes the pain just to feel her close to me. She's so tiny. So frail. So weak. and so Beautiful. She takes my breath away.

Lots of tears tonight. I've done so good today. I've kept them pushed away all day, but tonight I can't help but cry. They are pouring out of me. I'm so empty. I feel hollow inside. I ache in the deepest parts of me over this place I find us in. We have got to hear good news. We desperately need to hear good news on Wednesday. If we don't I don't know what comes next.

5 more hours and she will have made it through 3 doses. 7 more to go. She is so brave. So very brave.