Making Plans

I'm always planning something. I just am. I think there is something inside of me that must have a date on the calendar, a list with multiple lists attached to that original list, and an incredible vision inside my head. I lay awake most nights thinking of this or that to make the "something" I'm planning not good but GREAT. Just a little bit above and beyond the norm can take something so so and make it amazing. Not sure why I'm wired this way, but I am.

So tonight I'm going to busy myself with making tomorrow morning just a little more than just a Wednesday morning. See its Ashley Kate's 5th birthday. The first she's ever had to spend in a hospital bed(believe it or not) and for me that was trying to steal the joy of what its supposed to be. Instead of doing nothing special because of where we sit I plan hanging an array of tropical fish and flamingos from the ceiling as my baby girl sleeps. When she opens her eyes in the morning she will see that something special occurred as she turned from 4 to 5 years old and that her mom noticed how incredible that something special was. I think tomorrow afternoon as the staff gathers in her room to wish her a happy birthday and to share a slice of cake I'll pull out the bubble machine(bought for the real party on Saturday evening) and add just a little bit of fun to this room. I don't now if Ashley Kate's eyes will be open or not, but I do know that I still remember the twinkle and the joy that shines from them each time we blow bubbles at home. Hanging on to that memory as the float around us will bring a smile to my face. Just a little something extra to make it special and perhaps even bearable in here tomorrow.

I started making plans for Ash's real birthday party months ago. I searched, and ordered, and painted, and created an amazing carnival to wow our baby girl. Those props still lie around our home in every corner you can imagine. I hope to use them someday as we plan to celebrate perhaps her 6th birthday? Since the circumstances in our lives changed drastically over the last month I came up with a back up plan. A plan that although may not be as amazing as my original I still have tried to make it special. Through my tears each night I have dreamed and planned and laid the room out in my mind a thousand times. My hope is that somehow the images in my mind will come to be realizations and that the twinkle that has been missing for so many days from our Ashley's eyes might return if even for a moment. Oh, how I pray she is awake come that day. Our hope is that she might even be sitting up enough to attend her party in her chair, but if not we will be taking her down in her bed.

Plans for home are on the horizon. Trying to figure out how to get our girl there safely and comfortably. Perhaps the RV? Dave and I are discussing whether or not they should drive it in this weekend and leave it so that it will be here. Or maybe getting to OKC so that she would only have to travel 8 hours by car. Flying is out of the question unless we want to transfer home to another hospital and thats not the goal. Commercial flights are not possible in her condition. We are left with driving 14 hours and that wont be easy on her. Gas is going to be a thousands times more in the RV since it only gets 8 miles to the gallon, but I think it might be the safest and easiest way for her to make it back home. Nothings set in stone, but just trying to lay out a plane since that's what I do. Of course Ash has to get a successful central line placed. She also has to make some progress with this lung. Its really ugly on x-ray this morning. Fluid lies within the plural space and at the time being we are using c-pap to try and force her to take big enough breaths against it to oxygenate her body. We are adding daily doses of lasix to try and pull some of it off, but its really toxic to her struggling kidneys. Its all a gamble. Nothing comes without a price.

So I've been planning. Its what I do. Trying to make life as special as I possibly can for our girl and our family. Only 3 more days until the most amazing people on the planet start arriving for the celebration we have in store for our sweet Ashley Kate. I'm so looking forward to being surrounded by those who love her. The event is going to be amazing! If it goes according to plan. My fingers are crossed.


PS
My computer is toast for now so a friend of mine dropped one off for me to use last night. Yeah me! Yesterday was really long not being able to "talk" to you guys.