Starting Over

Wow. Thats all I can say.

In the next few days I will learn how to start over. This entire journal has got to find a new beginning. My heart breaks at the thought of it, but the journey that we are on is not easy and its only getting harder. Every day it gets harder and harder.

This has to end. It truly does. Most days its all I can do to even open my eyes. Having to read the words, the anger, the opinions, and the hatred directed my way over the past week is just too much. I don't understand how or why I can be hated so much by complete strangers. It is mind boggling. I would never say or type or treat others this way. Agree or disagree. Again I say, you don't have to come to this place. You don't.

I'm going to do my best to keep updating all of you who love us and love Ash. I am. I will figure out how. I just haven't come up with a solution today.

If you are family you will know. If you are a friend you will have access. If you have loved and prayed and supported our daughter through the years you will be allowed to continue reading along.

Give me a few days. There are A LOT of things going on. Ashley Kate is still in need of prayer. She desperately needs your prayers tomorrow morning. Those of you who don't pray, I'm not asking that you do. The whole purpose in this place over the last 4 years was for that purpose and that purpose alone.

There is no need to comment. Especially those who have nothing kind, uplifting, or encouraging to say. I don't need to read it. Not now. Not ever again. My heart has been injured for the last time from this journal.

I am not selfish because I want my daughter to grow up.

I am not shallow because I comb out her hair, dress her, and cover her with her own blankets.

I am not angry at the medical staff of this hospital or any hospital. Do I struggle with the procedures that Ash has to endure? Absolutely. YOU WOULD TO IF IT WERE YOUR CHILD.

I am not writing to entertain anyone.

I am not unworthy to be Ashley's mom because I love and am concerned about my other kids.

I am not sacrificing any of them.

I am not the one who chose this for our daughter. It was out of my hands. I'm not in control. I opened my heart to the child that God placed in it years before her birth and willingly said "yes" she's mine. I have loved her fiercely. I have fought for her life every single day since the day she was born. I did not walk away from her because she wasn't perfect. I am here. I hope to never be anywhere other than where she is.

If anyone knows how to filter this nonsense, how to take this precious place back from the ones who are destroying it, or has any ideas how I can begin again then I welcome them.

I love those of you who have loved us so very much. I truly do.