Conversations with Ashley
Tonight I knelt beside Ashley Kate's bed and I placed a thousand kisses on her tiny forehead. I whispered in her ear how very much she was loved. Choking back tears I shared with my sweet girl that, "Daddy loves Ashley and Mommy loves Ashley and Blake loves Ashley and Allie loves Ashley and Jesus loves Ashley. Everybody loves Ashley" I whispered to my girl tonight as I have hundreds of times before. I was overcome by emotion as I remembered the night she was ex-planted. I laid my head on the pillow next to my sweet girl in pre -op as we waited for her daddy's plane to land and I whispered those same words to her. I don't know why I thought of those moments in her room tonight, but the emotion came on hard and overwhelmed me. How grateful I am. How humbled I am. How in awe I am to be having this moment with my girl in her very own room tonight. Through it all He loves us still. He blesses us daily. He's given us so much more than I ever dreamed we could have.
Ashley and I began to talk. " I love you sweet girl. Good night."
"Horse" she signed.
"We can watch Tangled tomorrow. I promise."
"Swimming, Water" she signed.
"Tomorrow. In the morning." I answered.
"Birds?" she signed.
"Not tonight. No more. We will play in the morning."
"Walk. Now. Walk" she signed.
"Ashley, Nanny will take you for another walk tomorrow. Its too dark tonight."
"Deer" she signed.
"Bambi is already on Ash. You are watching Bambi and when its over you have to go to sleep, ok?"
"Baseball?" she asked.
"Ok, let me find bubba's ball for you." I located it at the foot of her bed.
She smiled ear to ear. I tucked her underneath her blankets baseball in her hand.
"Water" she signed.
"In a minute. I'll be back with some in a minute."
I gave her a drink of water and she snuggled deeper underneath her quilts.
"Dinosaur, mommy?" she asked with her hands.
"Yes, Ashley, I'll get your dinosaur and then we are going to sleep."
I kissed her forehead again after tucking dinosaur in too and breathed in the smell of her shampoo. Her skin was so soft against my lips and her hair smelled so good. The tears slipped from my eyes onto her cheeks. "I love you sweet girl. I really, really do. Do you have any idea how much I love you?"
I got to the door and turned around for one final look at my baby and in the darkness I saw her raise her finger to her mouth and she signed,
"Mater?" to which I giggled out loud and said, "Tomorrow, Ash. We will watch Cars tomorrow."
The sweetest moments in my life I am living right now with my Ashley. Time is more precious to me then it has ever been before. To "talk" with her tonight is a gift. To read her signs and answer her questions is something I will never grow tired of doing. Ash is living and she is adapting and she is so 5. I love that she is 5 years old. Doing everything in her power to stay up a little longer. To keep me in the room with her a little longer. To get the lights turned back on for just a little while longer.
I'm grateful tonight. Grateful to be here in our home. To have Ash in her own bed. Blake in his in the room next to hers and Allie in hers down the hall. Tears flow freely from my eyes tonight and I'll can say is that I am overcome with a grateful heart for this night. I love my kids and I love having them all here together.
Thank you Lord for all that I have been blessed with. Tonight and always.