The house is filled with the holidays and everything I wanted to accomplish is almost done. All the large trees have been decorated. Mantles, bookshelves, and center pieces are complete. I have just a few more things to finish up. The lights on the house were started last weekend, and the wreaths need to be hung on the windows. Other than finishing up the eaves on the roof and arranging the patio table center piece we can officially call it all decorated. That makes me smile.
I attempted to make new stockings to hang on the mantle using some of the burlap left over from Ash's birthday party, but it was miserable failed attempt. I have no idea why it turned out to be so difficult, but after fighting it for a few days I decided this wasn't the year to have new stockings. Not important enough for me to stress over. They would have been the little extra touch I think the family room needs, but again not willing to be frustrated over why I can't seem to sew an even stocking.
After being out for most of yesterday, I decided today would be our day in. We've spent most of it doing the laundry that didn't get done yesterday. There's something oddly comforting to me about the laundry. I mean it is a never ending task and not really my favorite responsibility of being a stay at home mom, but still I find a peace and contentment inside those loads. Its representative of being here. I'm so,so grateful to be here in our home. As I fold Ashley Kate's linens its a reminder that she slept in her own bed last night and for at least today she will be safely tucked back there tonight. I smile while I make her bed up and ready it for her to find rest again.
Things are different here today. I think knowing that we will soon be leaving brings a sadness to our home as I attempt to place things in order. I've found myself near tears for most of today, and talking to anyone about it is completely out of the question because then the tears fall and don't seem to stop. I've ignored phone calls today knowing I'm an emotional mess and not really up to pretending that I'm not. I sat in the family room for a while last night and just allowed myself to cry. Not the ugly cry, but a very, very sad cry. In the stillness of the room I tried to be still myself. Once I joined Dave for bed last night I couldn't stop wondering aloud about this or that and how we would ever figure things out and he gently reminded me that I couldn't add one inch to my stature by worrying. I laughed and reminded him I wasn't worried about getting taller! In times like this I really appreciate having him to guide me. Even though it feels so very lonely, I know I'm not alone. He hurts too and he feels the sadness too. He doesn't worry quite like I do and I'm grateful for that. He knows God is in control of this situation and he finds rest in that. I know it too, but for some reason I don't rest. I still worry myself over things I cannot change.
In the grand scheme of Ashley's life what we are looking at today is really nothing. She's faced much worse situations and survived despite predictions of failure. This is merely a beginning to a process we had hoped would never start. Knowing all along that it was inevitable, but still hopeful to be given as much time as possible before any of it began again. Still, I can say, I'm not afraid. I am sad at the knowledge of change, but I'm not scared for her today. She is as happy and silly as she is most everyday. I love her joy filled spirit and the way God created her so very much. Ash is a mess, but she is a happy mess and after all that is what we had prayed most for. I think the saying is true that you can't buy happiness. You either have it or you don't. Its an attitude that I believe comes from a spirit of gratitude and contentment. My sweet Ashley doesn't know any different. For that I am truly grateful for His wisdom and the way He chose to create her.
Again, I say to so many of you who love Ashley Kate, thank you for being here with us. You are a blessing. Your presence in this "place" that we hold so precious to our hearts is never taken for granted.