Its been one of those days

I woke up crying several times last night.  Just couldn't seem to escape nightmares of the PICU.  I have no idea why I can't shake them this past week.

I've been plagued with nightmare several times during Ash's life and this journey we are on.  Its an area that I have not a lot of control over. I close my eyes and there we are.

Anyway, last night was a very long, very emotional battle as I slept.  I remember Dave waking at one point and trying to help as I whaled and threw my sleeping self around the bed.  This morning he asked what was happening as I slept and all I could get out was "PICU" before I began to cry again.

He came in for lunch this afternoon and I think I spent most of it crying.  Over nothing!  She's here.  She's in our home.  She's in the playroom for goodness sake!  Why, why, why am I so emotional?

So I say its been one of those days.  Emotions run raw and my eyes continue filling with tears.  I'm so, so tired because I spend every night battling for her life along side of her and as much as I want to just find rest I can't seem to get rid of the images I'm fighting.

This holiday week will be the 3rd one in a row we've been blessed to have her here at home.  I can't express how very grateful I am for that.  If I could have her anywhere in this entire world this week I would choose home!  My brother and his family are coming in tomorrow to celebrate with us, and we are really looking forward to spending time together.  We are very excited about the visit.

I seriously hope I can pull myself together this afternoon and be a little more stable when Dave comes home this evening.  I'm tired of crying.  Life is blessed, and I'm ready to guide my focus toward how very grateful my heart is.