Its Thursday

Its raining

Shes gone

The cocktail of all three is more than I can swallow.

I've learned I have three emotions.  I wake up feeling one of the three.  I've felt one of the three every single day since she left.  Sometimes I feel all three in one day.  Sometimes I struggle with one of them for several days in a row before I wake with one of the others.

I'm angry

I'm sad

or I'm numb

I could write a thousand words about a thousand moments I've spent struggling since she left us and fill a thousand pages with those words...it wouldn't help though.

So instead of writing my thousand words about those thousand moments I sit and stare and let them swirl around in my head while the tears fill my eyes and spill out on my face.

I was her mom.  Its all I wanted to be for the rest of my life.  Instead of getting to be that I get to be here for the rest of my life without her.

 It sucks.

 Mother's day sucks.

Every day without her sucks.

Its Thursday and its raining and shes gone...the combination of the three make me angry and sad and numb all at the same time.