Confession

O.k. I am willing to confess that I have avoided this journal all day long. Why? Because I am struggling. Struggling with a lot of things today. When I look at everything that is going on in our lives right now I begin to get discouraged. I know its not right, but its honest.

I try to hold it all together. I try to not let things get me down, but after last night and our lack of sleep I just woke up really grumpy today. I tried to shake it off, but the later it got into the day the more grumpy I became. First thing this morning I am afraid I frightened our poor nurse who came in all chipper and simply asked me how I was doing. Wrong question to ask when I had been trying to get Ash back to sleep since being woke up at 4:00a.m. for a set of vitals. Can you imagine how difficult it is to sleep and to keep Ash asleep when someone is constantly coming in at all hours of the day and night? I know our nurses are just doing their job, and they all do it very well with a smile on their face but I am so tired. I just want Ash and I to have a full nights rest. Just once in 5 months. So I owe my sweet nurse an apology for my grumpy attitude this morning and for threatening to post a set of new rules outside of our door. Aren't I funny thinking I can make the rules in this place? Any way I tried to get happy and to see the humor in my lack of sleep but I just didn't ever get to that place. I hate to admit it but I just stayed grumpy all day.

So I have been too embarrassed to sit and post anything today because I knew that the grumpy would just spill out all over this page of Ashley's story and I didn't want her to see that I finally broke under all the pressure. Rather than type the ugly truth about the way I was feeling I just sat in our chair and rocked that sweet baby all day long. As long as I was rocking she was sleeping. If I stopped she started crying. Right now as I type she is laying in her crib being just as grumpy as her mommy. I know she is wondering why I haven't picked her up yet, but I needed to let you guys know why I was absent today. No good reason other than a bad attitude. Please forgive me. I promise to do better tomorrow and to wake up with a sweeter spirit than the one I hung on to all day today.

Thanks for understanding and forgiving. Hope you all have a restful night. Take care. Trish