Why Me?

Don't you ever want to say, "Why me?". Aren't you angry with God for all that Ashley is going through? At some point don't you just want to say "Enough is Enough", "she deserves a break". I can't tell you how many times I have been asked these questions over the last several months. For some reason I was asked over and over again just last week. It almost seemed as though I was being set up. Each time the questions were asked of me I got a very odd feeling that made me want to run in the opposite direction. To be completely honest with you I haven't even thought of asking those questions. I don't want to ask Him, "why me", I don't want to stomp my feet and say, "enough is enough". I am not angry with God for all that my Ashley endures. More than anything I am humbled. I am humbled by the awareness that He is God and He will do what He will do. No amount of stomping, or screaming, or crying, or begging, or demanding will change the course of what He has laid out before us. I am not one who believes that I can tell Him to heal my Ashley. I am not going to sit around and try to figure out the whys of all that is happening. I don't guess I can really explain it any better than telling you this, I asked Him for her. I wanted this child. He gave me the desire of my heart when He allowed her to be brought into my life. No matter if He gives me a day or a thousand or ten thousand with her I am forever changed because of loving her. I know that He wanted me to have what I desired. He heard my cry and He granted me what my heart longed for. The very God of the universe took the time to listen to my prayers and for the first time in my life He became very, very real to me the day that my daughter was born. Please don't mistake the fact that I don't want to ask Him "why me" because I am super holy, or super spiritual, or for already having all the answers. I don't know what tomorrow holds for our Ashley and for our family. I don't feel incredibly spiritual at this point in my life. I just know that she was a gift that was given to me and that she can just as easily be taken from me on any given day. I don't have the luxury of time to waste on being mad at God for Ashley's struggle. I don't have enough days to spend them stomping and pouting about how difficult it has been. I have to trust Him at this time in my life. I need Him to make me stronger. I can not isolate myself from Him because the lonliness and the separation from Him would destroy me. If I were angry with Him who would I call on to take care of my Ashley. Who could I ask to hold her when I can't. I need Him too much to be angry with Him. Do I wonder every now and then why it has to be so difficult for her? Sure, I do. I wouldn't be a mommy if my heart didn't hurt over her struggles, but to question the One who created her and allowed me to love her is not an option for me.

There are many, many things in Ashley's life that I would change for her if He asked me, but the truth is that I realize He is working it all out for the good. He has not allowed us to hurt one day on this journey alone. If things had gone according to my plan for Ash's life we would have missed out on so very much. The struggles along this journey have brought a lot of growth and learning to David and myself. I believe Ashley's story is being written the way that it is to bring all of us to the place where we need to be. The place that we must be in to be used the way that we were meant to be. If I did ever ask, "Why me?" I would follow it with these words, "why am I the lucky one? Why did He choose me to be her mom?"

I guess the answer to that question is this, "Because He loved me, and He knew how much that I loved her." "Why me?" the real question is, "Why NOT me?" I am truly blessed.