I had a Dream...

Last night I had a dream. I don't know exactly what brought it on, but perhaps it was knowing the TPN was going to be turned off that caused me to feel as though we were getting one step closer to this actually occurring. Anyway, I woke up in a panic because I realized I had made a mistake. A really big mistake and it would not be an easy one to remedy. Once I figured out it was only a dream I have to admit that I was a little disappointed.

Anyway, last night I dreamed that they had actually discharged my Ashley from the hospital and told me we were free to go (I know that sounds as though we had been sentenced to this hospital stay, but sometimes it really feels as though we have been serving a sentence). So upon our "release" from the PICU I found myself tucking the children into bed and retiring to our bed with Dave by my side. As I laid down and closed my eyes something hit me. Where was I? I began to look around. This didn't look like my little one bedroom apartment. Things were just a little too comfortable. Had I actually gone all the way home to TEXAS? Yes! I had. I couldn't believe it. Somewhere in my "release" I had decided to skip our mandatory stay in our apartment in Omaha and had apparently boarded an airplane and had taken my sweet Ashley ALL THE HOME. This put me into a panic. I began to lose it. I could not believe that I had been so tired and so dumb founded by the news of our "release" that I had made the mistake of taking Ash home. This was not a good thing. The what ifs began to flood my mind. What kind of mother was I? There is no way she was ready to leave Nebraska. What if she had gotten sick on the flight home? What if she began to vomit her feeds? What if her labs screamed, "RED ALERT, RED ALERT" the next morning? Where was I going to take her to have her labs done? Surely once they all realized that we were not showing up at our clinic appointments then they would call someone and report that I was obviously unfit to parent this transplanted child. As the fear began to overwhelm me I all of a sudden began to laugh. Laugh uncontrollably. Boy, had I ever messed up. I have been consumed with thoughts of making mistakes with my Ashley once we were finally released. Forgetting a med, missing an appointment, losing a schedule, being late for PT, or OT, or some kind of "T", but in all of my worry about being capable of taking care of my Ashley I had never one time thought I would mess up like this. This one could not really be explained. As I struggled to get comfortable in my "favorite" chair it all became clear to me, I was not at home in my bed next to Dave with our Ashley tucked into her crib in our room. I was still in this stinking hospital room, in my uncomfortable, plastic recliner, and the nurse had just come in to wake up my sleeping princess to take a round of vitals. To tell the truth the reality of the situation was more disappointing to me then thinking I had taken her all the way home by mistake and proving to all my incompetence. Oh, well someday I guess we will make it there.

The good news I have to share with you this morning is that her TPN was just turned off and she is tolerating 50ccs of formula per hour. Only 5 more to go and then she will be at her full feeds. A while ago I shared with you a specific prayer list for my Ashley and it included these things: 1. I prayed that Ash could come off of the venitlator. 2. I prayed that she would STAY off of the ventilator. 3. I prayed that she would be able to tolerate her feeds, get to full feeds, and begin to grow. This morning I am realizing how blessed I am to have placed my trust in a God who does care, who does listen when I pray, who is in control, and who is involved in the smallest of details. I am blessed, and I am touched by His goodness. Thank you for your prayers for my Ashley Kate. You will never know the magnitude of the impact they have had in her life, in my life, and in Dave's life. Now we just have to tackle these silly "polka dots" in her lungs and stay infection free to earn our release. It's not impossible! She might just get out of here yet! Love you guys for loving Him enough to love her. Have a wonderful day. Trish