Willing, Waiting, Wondering?

We have just made it in from a very long day at the house. Dave is already sleeping, I am hoping too, but Ash is not. I find myself in a position I am becoming quite comfortable in. Willing, Waiting, Wondering? I am more than willing to sit up and rock this sweet baby. I am waiting for her to decide to give up and fall asleep. I am wondering if she ever will. My only insight into my dilema is that the Father is the only one who knows the answer.

Over the last several years I have lived in this state of mind. Before my Ashley was ever born I was willing to be her mommy. I waited for years on the Lord to bring her to me, and several times I wondered if He would. Once she was born I again told Him about my willingness, I waited to see if she would be mine, and I wondered if He would allow me to hold this sweet baby. During her lifetime I have found myself here time and time again. Willing to do whatever was asked or required, waiting to see if we would be,do, or have enough, and wondering when it would be decided. When it came to taking care of my tiny gift I was willing to do anything that might help her to live, I waited to see if any of it would work, I wondered how she could appear so perfect, but yet be so ill. To give her a chance to live her life I was willing to go anywhere He asked, waiting to do anything He asked, wondering if He would provide the organs to give her the opportunity to try. During our time in Omaha on the PICU floor I was willing to stay as long as it took. I waited to see if He would allow her to survive. I wondered what His plan was as she endured struggle after struggle. Now that she has cancer I find myself willing to take it on myself to spare her the pain. I find myself waiting for her to beat it and to be told she is in remission, and wondering how this happened to her.

Many days and nights in Omaha I willingly stayed, I waited to see when we would go home, and I wondered what it would be like once we got back. Now that we are here I find myself willing to wait and wondering what He is going to do. I am willing to serve, to start ministering to others, but I see that I must wait until we are at least settled into our own home again and I am wondering what it is that He wants me to learn during this time.

Tonight I still have a willing heart to be used by Him. I wait to see how. I wonder if I can make a difference in someone's life. I just believe that none of this happened by accident. I know in my heart that He is going to use my Ashley and her life to bring about His plan and His purpose. So I continue to be willing, to stay waiting, and to constantly be wondering. Father, use me, use her, use us to do whatever it is that you will in this world. Guide us and direct us in the way that will best glorify you, and continue to work in our hearts and our lives. Thank you for the privelage of parenting our Ashley.

Goodnight to you all and may the Father bless you and your families.