Missing "IT"
What is "IT" that we missed? That magical mark that was set this morning during rounds. The 350 mark we discussed in less than 12 hours? Remember that one from the earlier post. It is not quite 11:30 and Ash has had 385 cc out already. Am I disappointed? Not really. I thought we might be in this position. Dave and I talked about not wanting to push her too fast resulting in a setback. Slow and steady is the course we have been on. Increasing by 5 cc a day and holding her own. If this was something that could be safely rushed then I assure you I would be sitting in my own bed tonight typing this post. As much as I want to be there it always comes back to doing what is in Ashley Kate's best interest.
It seems like a cruel joke. This whole line issue, TPN thing. I never realized we would be back to the beginning again. When we returned from having Ash's line removed in August I took Blake and Allie to our supply closet with Ashley Kate on my hip and said, "Look I have something to show you. We can get rid of this, and this, and this, and this, and this." Their eyes got wide with excitement as we all celebrated this milestone in Ash's life. It was really fun tossing all those "extra" supplies together. Guess what? There was really no need to try and convince Ashley that bath time in the tub, with water, and rubber duckies was fun. I just giggled at her tonight as she closed her eyes tight while I rinsed her hair on the bed. With each squeeze of the wash cloth she would shake her head, "No, no" at me. Tonight I find it sadly ironic that TPN is what caused her liver to die and almost took her life, but at the same time it is saving it. Without the damage caused by the TPN to her liver she would have only required one organ instead of multiple. Her statics for survival would be drastically higher had she only needed the bowel. So as I type the nasty but necessary stuff is trickling into her body doing its thing and we can only hope it doesn't take too long to get her back to full feeds.
As I sit here in the dark I wonder if I am missing "it"? There are so many "its". What is "it" that I am to be doing and learning while Ash and I are in Omaha? I sit and play with her, rock her to sleep, cuddle with her, take care of her, and hang out with her. What else am I supposed to be doing? I think a lot during this time. Pray a lot. Read a lot. Wonder a lot. More than anything I am grateful a lot. Grateful for this child. For her life. For her organs. For her presence in our family. Even when it seems as though I am missing all of the "its" I should be getting I still remain grateful to be here with her. It is a privelage to love and care for this tiny pickle. So we missed "IT" today. Maybe she will make "IT" tomorrow? and maybe she won't. If it takes the slow and steady to ultimately get her home sooner rather than later then perhaps we should be grateful for the slow and steady progress. Maybe thats my "IT" for today?
Thank you guys for your continued prayers and encouraging words. I am really emotional about this whole holiday issue and it blesses my heart that you would pray about it for us. Sometimes the little things like losing her hair and missing our Christmas lights can prove to be the toughest for me. Anyway, your care and concern is a blessing and I love you for it. Good night. Trish
posted by Ashley @ 10:20 PM
11 Comments:
Lord God, I ask in the name of Jesus that you bring peace to Trisha's heart and mind over the conflict within her. In the Name of Jesus, I speak peace to her mind and spirit. Lord, let waves of peace overtake her and wash over her right now in gentle tides of Your love. Lord, let the sweetness of the Holy Spirit flood that hospital room in a way she has never felt before. Heal her of all of her discomforts. I ask all these thing in the mighty name of Jesus. Lord, I just thank you for carrying, and blessing and answering all of our prayers. Praise Your Mighty Name! Most High God! Amen and Amen!
So many things in this post I can relate to, except in lesser situations, of course. I'm not comparing at all. One thing God taught me while I was looking for the "it" I was "missing" was that He wasn't showing me yet no matter how hard I looked because the "it" was longsuffering. OUCH! What I am trying to say, with a complete lack of eloquence, is that if your heart is willing to search, which this post proves, then He will be faithful to show what you're supposed to learn. You can't "miss" something when you're heart is willing unless He's just not ready to reveal it yet. I can only imagine, though, how hard the waiting would be with hours to ponder life from the stillness of the hospital room. Very tough. You're doing it so gracefully. I'm still hopeful you'll be having turkey in your little yellow house this Thanksgiving and that Ashley will too (all mashed up out of a jar, of course.) I've been concentrating this week on this verse "You're Father knows what you have need of, before you ask it." Matt. 6:8 Hope it helps. We continue to pray daily for Ashley, and for you.
We've talked about not mulling over the "why's", because we may never know the full reason why you are in this place in your life, and it only leads to depression. So it goes for the "it's". There are so many people that are part of this whole puzzle. It's not just what you're learning, but what everyone else is learning, and how God is working in each person's life. It may simply be that you are just here because that is where Ashley needs you to be. Maybe as you comfort her and tend to her, you are to have a deeper understanding of the comforting ministry of the Holy Spirit. Whatever the reasons, you can't wonder too much about whether you are missing "it". "IT" is n't always the magical necessary thing for you to go home. So, don't hang out there too long. I think that you are constantly reflecting on what the Lord is trying to teach you, and you are willing to submit to that teaching. But, leave it there. Don't beat yourself up over it. Leave the "it's" and "why's" to the Lord, and work on changing the things He presents to you, and don't worry about what He may still need to teach you in order to go home. He will reveal it in his time. I hope this all makes sense. I wish I could send you a great big Christmas tree with your pick of lights and ornaments for Christmas. I would have Christmas decorations all year if others would let me! To, me, Christmas is an everyday celebration because of what the Lord has done for me. Celebrate in what He has done for you, and continue to submit to His leading. Please don't worry about the unknown. Just continue to deal with it Biblically when he makes the unknown known to you. That's all you can do.
Praying as always dear Adam's family. Here are some verses in a few devotionals that I am reading. Hope they bless you like they have me:
"If we know that He hars whatever we ask,we know that we have what we have asked HIM for." _1 John 5:15
The next part is from WHAT IS GOD WAITING FOR? by Marlinda Ireland.
"..recently heard the Lord whisper,"Every warrior has a battle to win , even while HE waits for me". "I believe this is a lesson for for all of us. God was telling me that I am a warrior in waiting and that I must not take this season lying down. God does not want us to walk around..(upset).....He has given us weapons to win the waiting game. The bible says that "It is not by slpear that the LORD saves, for the battle is the LORDS"(1 Samuel 17:47). Pursue peace with everyone" -Hebrew 12:14)"
This one is too long to type but it is in Oswald Chambers MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST from Nov. 1st: Here are a few points from it:
"Do you not know that ...you are not your own?" 1 Corinthians 6:19
"The first thing God does is get us grounded on strong reality and truth. He does this until our cares for ourselves individually have been brought into submission to HIs way for the purpose of His redmeption. Why shouldn't we experience heartbreak? Through those doorways God is opening up ways to fellowship with His Son. " -The rest is good but so long to type....I am guessing you have a copy of this though.
Trish, you are an amazing woman of FAITH....I wish I could make everything better for you ....make Ash well...get you home. Only HE can. I will continue to lift you & your family up to the ONE who can.... In HIS timing....not our own....
Dee put it much better than me.
Trish,
I do not think you are "Missing It".
God is not waiting for you to get "It" right before he moves on Ashleys behalf. He is working in her each and every day and has His eye on everything going on inside her little body. He chose you to be her mommy because He knew you would stand by her in these times. Not an easy task but He knew your heart would be willing and be stretched when necessary to stay by her side, not abandoning her. You are doing "It" right now Trish, you have been all along. You are never more than a whispers distance from her, just as the Lord is this close to you in this. Be still and know that He is God and focus on this when you feel like doing the "what ifs". Rest in the truth that He has the answer to His plan and will reveal it when the time is right for Him. Easier said than done, I know, but all of the "what ifs" have no answers and only bring you down into doubt. I will pray that you are able to keep focus on Ashley and the necessary time it takes for her to heal up and not focus on two steps forward, one step back. I pray for your Hope to stay steadfast, regardless of the setbacks along the way. Her little body is fighting with all it's might to beat this and it is just going to take time. And praying that He keeps you in His peace and comfort as this takes place. You are doing so good Trish, and this is where He has you. Trust Him to give you rest and restoration of hope in this place.
Praying continually for all of you.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
Continued prayers on this journey of yours.
Heidi in CT
Trish,
Just wanted to let you know that Allie played a great game today. On the last game of the season, she and Kelsey's team played against each other. We lost (1-0)but it really was a good game. Was nice to spend time with Dave as well. You would have been proud of Allie! She and Kelsey ran against each other several times and then had a laugh about it at the end of the game! We rooted for both teams! Just know that you are never far away from our thoughts and prayers!
Karen Jacobs
Sorry, haven't been on in a couple of days, but you and Ashley and the rest of your crew are never far from my thoughts and prayers. Slow and steady seems to be Ashley's theme right now. We'll take that! Very good post, Trish. Praying you home for the holidays!
Oh sweet girl - we are lifting you up! Nothing is too small or too big - if it is heavy on your heart then we will lift it up! Sunshine
oh this verse caught me today - wanted to share because I never know if it helps or not so I will share in hopes that it speaks to your heart too :)
2 Corinthians 3:16-18
But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
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