Face to Face

I am finding myself forced to face many different things this week. Yesterday morning I had a breakdown. I held on to the tears for most of the day and this morning out they tumbled all over our surgeon during rounds. What brought this latest emotional experience on ? The date. Pure and simple. Yesterday morning I woke and realized that today would be November 1. You may be wondering what that has to do with anything in life, but in my life it marks the beginning of our holiday season. Guess where I'm not? Home. Home is where I have to be to make the "magic" of our holiday happen.

I you knew me in real life (and maybe even if you really know me through Ashely's story) then you know how much I LOVE Christmas. I do. I really, really do love it. I love to have the house set in motion, stockings hung, candles glowing, trees decorated, wreaths fastened to the doors and windows, music playing, and plans in motion for a magical holiday season which all begins on November 1. I love the holiday so much that I have been known to travel and decorate my sisters trees and homes for them just as early as they can possibly stand it in years past as well. Before you get to crazy on me for decorating before Thanksgiving let me try and explain myself. Early on in Blake and Allison's lives I ran a home buisiness. Every year for 6 years I hosted a holiday open house in our home the first weekend in November requiring our home to look, feel and smell like the holidays. My kids grew up this way and they don't know any different. For me it has always been a win-win situation, because as a kid I hated having to wait until the day after Thanksgiving to decorate something I loved so much. So the "big" kid in me made it different in our home. Christmas is too wonderful to cram into a brief 4 week period. I love nothing more than sitting up late at night and watching the lights on our tree. It gives me such a peaceful feeling.

So anyway, here I sit in Omaha with our sweet Ashley Kate(who I think looks amazing today!) 700 miles away from our home, our Christmas trees, and our family. My heart is being forced to stand face to face with the reality of this holiday season for the 3rd year in a row. This morning all I could say in rounds is that I really, really want to go home with our Ashley. I tried to hold back the tears, but big, fat, warm, wet tears fell to my cheeks. I don't think our team knows what to do with me. I can't blame them. My own husband doesn't know what to do with me. The calendar says that the children will be out of school in 16 days for the Thanksgiving holiday. I want Ash and I to be in that carpool line waiting on them.

Ashley Kate's feeds are at 25cc an hour. She is doing well. Her stool output is coming down and that tells us that her bowel is tolerating the feedings. I am encouraged by her progress. Today as we had tummy time I laid down in front of her face to face to encourage her to move. She became so tickled that all she could do was giggle at me. That made me giggle and the two of us laid there face to face smiling ear to ear at the silliness of each other. I would attempt to show her how to push herself up by demonstrating with my arms and adding a grunt for special effects. She thought this was hysterical. All I could do was laugh back at my little lump and thank God for who she is. I love Ashley Kate. I love every part of her. What a gift it was to be on the floor face to face with this amazing little one who brings us so much joy.

Face to face. Its not always a beautifu experience. Sometimes it is painful to stand there and face what it is He puts directly in front of us. Today it was both for me. Painful and beautiful. Painful to see where we are again this time of the year, but beautiful because of who I get to be here with.