Conversations

On the drive home today Dave and I had a conversation about why things had to be the way they had to be. It is hard for me to understand why His death had be to the way it had to be. Why that death? Why so violent? Why so horrible?

Dave just said, "Trish, why do you ask me things I don't know the answer to?"

We talked for a while longer and just enjoyed knowing that Christ did not stay in that tomb, but that He had risen and given us a hope.

Tonight around the dinner table I asked the kids the same question.

Allie just looked puzzled and said she really hadn't ever thought of why it had to be that way. Finally she decided it was probably just because thats the way the people wanted it to be.

Blake said, "Hmmm. That's kind of weird that you would ask me that because I've been thinking about it too. I think it was because of the magnitude. You know the magnitude of all our sin? It was so great that an ordinary death probably couldn't pay the price for it and so it had to be the way it was."

Stunned. At his insight and the wisdom God gave him to share with me at that moment.

I've been struggling with the thought of how horrible Christ's death was on the cross and wondering why God didn't make it easier for His son. Then I thought how incredibly painful it must have been to turn His back on His son and for Jesus to feel as though He had been forsaken. What pain it must have caused in the heart of God! What a lonely feeling Jesus endured because of me. My sin, my arrogance, my mistakes, my selfishness, my magnitude of sin.

I thought I had felt alone. Long nights away from Dave, the children, my sisters, my friends. I thought I understood lonliness until I really thought long and hard about how alone Christ was that day. He ALONE bore the burden of all my sin. He ALONE endured the pain of my punishment. He ALONE died on that hill, on that cross. Not even the Father could stand with Him as he was covered in the magnitude of my sin. It was so great that He had to turn His back on Jesus and leave Him completely ALONE during that moment. I have never been that alone. So alone that not even God the Father was absent from me. Oh, I have been away from Him many,many times, but Him from me? Never has He failed to be there ready to stand next to me.

Tonight as I enjoyed conversation with my son after so much time away from him I couldn't help but think how I could not stand to turn away from him. What pain it must have brought to the heart of God! The tears burn my eyes knowing it was because of me.

I lay across Allie's bed tonight and we had a conversation about sin. Sin in our hearts and in our lives. We talked about how careful we must be to not even take that first step toward doing something we know is wrong. Her beautiful eyes were wide as we read in her devotional how something that seemed so small could cause sin that was so large. I listened to her pray tonight and my heart was touched by her words.

What a gift it is to be here tonight! To have the opportunity to see my children and to touch them and to listen to them talk. To see Blake sit and play blocks next to Ashley Kate on the floor. To hear Allison kiss Ash's puffy cheeks and say, "I love you baby girl. Did you know that?" To listen to that miracle baby as she cries in the other room because it is bed time and she still has so much she wants to do today. Her daddy keeps saying, "Night, night Ashley Kate" and she just isn't happy about it. To be in this little yellow house, cuddled under a blanket, sitting in the family room, and knowing all three of the children are safe in their beds. Do you even know how precious this is to the heart of a mom? I have no words to express it.

Tonight as I close my eyes my conversations will not cease. I have much to be grateful for and so much to tell Him. I can't believe we are here! I am in awe that our sweet Ashley Kate is back in her bed! My heart aches with thanksgiving. Where would I be if it were not for knowing who Jesus is? Without Him I would have crumbled by now. I would not have the strength to watch our baby fight for each day and each breath. I am so thankful He loved me enough to endure that horrible death, to put sin in its place, and to raise again that Easter Morning! Because He is who He is I can be who I am. I am Dave's wife. I am Blake, Allie, and Ashley's mom. I am saved.

Thank you God for loving me, for saving Ash again, for bringing us back to our home, for Jesus, for your amazing gifts, for this life. His, mine, and hers.