Her Heart

Its so very young. Its really, really sensitive. Its very emotional. Its hurting.

When I speak to her in the afternoons she is happy and cheerful. Life is good and she is her silly self. But...

At night my beautiful Allison Brooke opens the window into her heart and lets it all come tumbling out. I listen as she tries so very hard to be brave, but eventually the tears fall. They start and they don't stop. It is literally tearing my heart apart. She cries over little things, she cries over big things, she just cries. I think our separation is the hardest on her. She has a very tender heart and she misses Ashley Kate. She misses me.

Al is struggling. She wants to quit school this week. It came out of no where, but she is unhappy and hurting. I really feel as though it stems from our absence. Its hard to be a fifth grade girl and not have a mom at home. When your feelings get hurt who do you tell? When you have a bad day who is there to make it better? Oh, how I wish we could be close enough to her that I could tuck her in each night. Hug her tight and make the hurt disappear. Hold her until she drifts off to sleep. Dave is with her, but its not the same. He tries to comfort her, but she tells him to "just call mommy to find out why I'm sad". He is hurting because she is hurting.

She doesn't want to be selfish and that makes her cry. She knows Ashley needs my help, but she and Blake need me too. Its days like this that hurt the most. Knowing my children, all three of them need a mom and not being able to be there for them. My heart is breaking. Breaking over the pain felt at home and over the struggle for Ashley Kate's life.

"Its going to be this way her whole life. She will always get sick without us knowing and you guys will always be living in Omaha." The tears flow. Uncontrollably, the fall from her eyes. It kills me to know she cries herself to sleep.

Night time is when we snuggle. Its when we lay on her bed and talk. Talk about the world of fifth grade. Its not always an easy place to be. Some days fifth grade is hard and some times kids aren't nice. Some times girls are your friend on this day and then the next they won't play with you. I remember it well. I was once a fifth grader.

Dave is coming. We have a meeting scheduled Saturday afternoon with one of the surgeons. In addition to this meeting he couldn't stand not seeing Ash for another 2 weeks. I'm thankful he chose to come, but with his coming Blake and Al have neither of us. Blake will travel to his tournament with friends and Allie will stay with her grandparents. My heart is sad. I wish they never had to be without us. I wish Ash were whole and we were home. I wish a lot of things for my kids, but more than anything I wish that we could all be together. I wish they didn't know the pain of seeing their sister suffer and the pain of watching us leave over and over again. On the other hand, I know that its because of knowing how much it hurts when she is gone that they appreciate their time with her all the more.

My biggest fear is that some day they may resent the time we spend apart. How I pray they don't. How do I make sure they understand that when God calls us to do something it won't always be easy? How will they know that even when its hard to do whats right it will always be worth it? He never promises things will turn out the way we want them to. I desperately need them to know how much they are loved. That they too are valuable to me. That I love them each as much as the other. My kids are amazing. They are kind and compassionate, but they still hurt. They are still children and some days its just hard to accept how sick Ashley Kate is and will always be.

Ash continued to stool heavier throughout the day than she has the previous three. I'm not sure what her numbers will be until the morning, but I am hopeful it will slow and settle back down. Her fever never returned and eventually(around 1pm) she got out of bed and had a bath. Her kidneys are a little sluggish and she has only had 1 wet diaper since 6am. Something is up, but our hope is that it will not slow down her healing. We hope to have a plan for her care and recovery after the meeting. We are still trying to make decisions about the holidays. The kids ask every day if we will be coming home in time for Christmas.

Thank you for praying for our family. It continues to be the most difficult thing we have ever gone through. Loving our Ashley Kate is the easiest thing I've ever done, taking care of her is the hardest. I know He has a plan. I just don't know why it has to hurt.