Oh, How I love...

...these little ponytails, those amazing eyes, that tiny smile, and this sweet girl.

I'm exhausted from the stress, the worry, the fear. My heart has been so heavy for the last 3 days and its wearing me out. I'm living two different lives. The life that pretends all is well, happy, and good in our world and the one that knows its about to be shattered on the morning I pack her up and have to say good-bye to Dave and the kids. These days are killing me.

How I wish I were more like Dave. He doesn't worry. Doesn't fret . Doesn't allow himself to stress. Last night as we sat at the dining table working our christmas puzzle I asked him, "Do you think God will allow us to stay home?"

"Trish, don't ask me questions you know I can't answer. Its just too hard to think about and since I have no idea what will happen I'm not going to waste my time worrying about it. I'm concentrating on enjoying our time."

Ugh! I wish I could live that way.

Despite my aching heart we are enjoying our time together. The kids had a "party" with a few friends last night. Dave and I spent the day together taking care of Ash and getting the food and the house ready for their friends. We worked the puzzle for awhile with Al last night. Laughed and played with the gherkin and watched movies late into the night. Today we are sticking close to the house, hanging Christmas lights, and just spending time together.

Ash looks really good(as you can see in her pictures from the last couple of days). If only that stool would regulate and her body would gain some weight then I would call everyone and tell them to quit worrying and leave this girl alone. Yep, that's what I'd do. Just leave her alone and let her be a little girl. If only thats all she had to do was be a little girl. I long for that life. The one that allows her to grow up without doctors, hospitals, surgeries, owies, and all the rest. I want it so desperately for our sweet girl.

Well, I guess I'm off to organize. Just in case. I want to have everything ready for Dave to stuff stockings, pack the kids for a great vacation, and make the holidays as great as they can be for two amazing young people who deserve nothing less. Secretly I'm hoping its all in vain because Ash and I will be staying right here where we belong. A girl can still dream, right? That's what Christmas does to me. Keeps me dreaming.