Still here...just at a loss

for words today. If I tried to describe my thoughts or the feeling in my heart today I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to make you understand the depths of what I feel. I'm just struggling. Struggling again to be in this place where our babies are sick, they fight for each breath, and we desperately try to hang on to any shred of normalcy we can find. Its such and ugly place to be in and I want to pull myself out of it.

For today my sweet Ashley is fabulous. She looks so precious sitting in her crib on her princess bed sheet, wearing her tiara t-shirt, and her castle hair bow. If you walked into our room this afternoon you would have to search hard to find any sign of illness in this child. She is smiley, and silly, playful and happy. She is cuddly and sweet and smells oh so good. She doesn't look sick. They can't figure out a reason to say she is sick. Yet she is and they say she's too sick to leave. Her bowel is stooling large amounts on little to almost no feeds and for this reason we sit and wait and wait and wait. We wait here in Nebraska instead of Texas. She's not being treated for anything. She's not being given any type of medications for this. She's just playing on a rug in a hospital room rather than a rug in our family room. So although I'm struggling with a deep sadness at being here and not home I am still grateful to be in the "place" that we are at this moment. Stable. Fever free. Infection free. Virus free. Transplanted.

A floor away this is not the case. Tiny children are struggling. Clinging to life and breath. Not stable. Not fever free. Not infection free. Not virus free. No longer transplanted, and it is breaking my heart. It truly breaks me. My heart is struggling to understand, to seek answers that will probably never come, and to cling to miracles that I know He can still bring about. There is hope, because He is here. Here in the rooms of this transplant center in Omaha, Nebraska. I know that miracles happen because I hold one in my arms every single night. I kiss one on the top of her head every single morning, and I smile back at one every single hour of the day.

I'm having a very hard time continuing posts about our holiday trip. It was precious and memorable, and very appreciated. Its just that today my heart and my mind are trying to grasp a hold of the whys that I shouldn't be asking. Why are we forced to stay when nothing can be done to improve her situation and why are our friends having to fight so hard today. There are reasons, I'm sure. I just don't get it and my heart is hurting more than I can bare today.