Holding

I disconnected all lead wires, monitors, and tubing from my Ashley last night a picked up her broken body and held her to my chest. So desperately I wanted to comfort her and ease her pain but I could not. She tried. She really did and I did too but eventually it was easier on her to not be held. I just miss her so much. Her eyes are crying out to me and I can do nothing but try and make her more comfortable. As I sat holding her I looked directly into her eyes and told her how sorry I was. How very proud I was of her and how much daddy and I love her. After tucking her back into the hospital bed I cried some more.

She's fighting as hard as her little body can fight. Our Ashley will not give in easily and it's because of that will to live that she had a chance. If only her bowel would heal. If it would she would make the biggest come back in history. I know she would. She's a fighter.

I was able to speak openly to one if the surgeons this morning. Again going over our options and trying to develop a plan. I won't share it now because I'm typing on the phone, but Dave and I talked shortly after that. A miracle. That's what her daddy is holding out for. He won't let her go easily. He believes God can make this turn around for his gherkin. I believe too. I haven't given up because she hasn't given up. I'm broken. I'm hurt. I'm on the front lines with our baby. It's not easy staring the enemy in the face day after day knowing it has the potential to rip from you what you are holding so tightly too.

I'm holding my Ashley. The beautiful baby I spent years dreaming of. I'm holding on until our God decides that I must let go of her.