Silent Nights

For their Daddy who is missing them tonight

I spoke with Dave this evening. He was sitting in Ashley's play room staring at the walls. He wasn't himself. You all know and love the Dave I'm talking about. The one who happens to reside in the land of "rainbows and daisies". Yep, that's the one. He wasn't on the other end of the phone tonight. It was a different man. It was a daddy who is carrying the weight of her world on his shoulders.

Our house is empty. Its silent. No one is home. There is no dinner when he comes in from work. There are no kids running in and out and splashing out back in the pool. There is no wonder pets blaring from the family room. There are no toys scattered around the play room. All of the books are neatly lined up on the shelves in the nursery just as I left them the morning before her visit to the pediatrician. Its silent. The nights are long and quiet. Things are so very different there tonight.

Blake is on a mission trip with his youth group. Allison has come to Omaha to take care of her baby sister and her mom. Ashley Kate is lying in this hospital bed and I am in the recliner next to it. Dave is home in a big empty house by himself and thats not our life. Its not his life.

I dare you to find a better man than my husband. I challenge you that you cannot. He is an amazing person. One I could only hope to become like. He was created to be a father. The absolute best at it I have ever witnessed. Our kids are his life. To say that his heart is broken doesn't even begin to touch the emotions he is battling over Ashley Kate's situation. His job is to protect us, to take care of us, to fix things, and of course to squish spiders. He can't fix this for her. He can't fix this for us. He can't make our family ok during this time and God forbid He have the job to take care of us if she leaves us. The burdens on his heart tonight are heavy and my heart aches over the quietness in his voice. I miss him. I hurt for him. I love him. How I wish I could fix this for him, but i can't. No one can.

We too are having a quiet night in our corner of the PICU. Ashley has been sleeping most of the day. I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad, but she's resting only to peek at us periodically as we do her cares. She is off her oxygen support. Removed it herself when she had had enough of it and is sitting comfortably around 98%. It eases my heart to see this. She is currently receiving a cocktail of very toxic drugs into her veins. The thymoglobulin for the rejection and valgancyclovir to protect her from the dreaded virus' she is very susceptible too during this time of extreme immuno suppression.

This morning they did an echo cardiogram on her heart. I told the surgeon I wasn't thrilled about having one done and reminded him that the last one ended in disaster. He assured me they weren't looking for fluid around her heart this time and I assured him that I wouldn't be consenting to having it removed if they found some. I think they are looking for staff and vegetation on the heart valves. Its a whole other issue I have yet to delve into. So many things are happening to Ash and I can't even get to them all each day as I share with you all. I'm waiting on the results still since no one ever came by to share them with me. In the morning she is going down to radiology to have a venogram done. They are searching for open veins in her upper body in hopes to have a clear idea of what plan can be developed if we aren't able to save this organ. If they find any veins with open flow they are considering placing stints in them to help open them up enough for consideration of re-transplant. Its just basically looking at the options and trying to see what directions could be taken to save her life if we lose this graft. Again, this is all so unreal. Still struggling with the facts of our situation and where we all sit tonight separated by hundreds of miles and impossible obstacles.

I don't know if she's going to live or die. I don't know if our family will survive this ordeal. I don't know what is going on in the hearts and minds of my older children as they try and figure out what is to happen to us in the coming days. All I do know is that I love my husband, I love my children, and I love our life together. We are fighting to get it back. For ALL of us.

So goodnight dear friends. This silent night is what we have needed to do some soul searching and some resting as we prepare for the battle ahead of our baby gherkin. Thank you, sincerely, for loving us even though we are strangers to so many of you. Your messages here and on the new face book page humble me, bless me, and encourage me. I love you guys.