Today...

...we have given her blood. She is getting platelets. Her thymo treatment is infusing. They are starting her on yet another anti-biotic to cover infection from all of these line placements. They want to attempt to wire a pic-line in over the IV catheter here at the bed side. They say there are no nerves endings in the veins so Ash shouldn't feel a thing. Huh...don't think I believe them that she wont feel anything. If they can't get it to work then they will move higher up her arm and try to thread one in a new vein. This is all in an attempt to have a way to draw blood since her new central line won't. Still I can't even believe the events of the last 48 hours. Her upper lobe in her right lung has collapsed and she has been on oxygen support since the procedure last night. Her bowel is not moving and now has an ilius. Her abdomen is huge and rock hard. She's having a hard time sitting up from all the pressure and so we had to buckle her into her car seat. She needs to be up so her lungs can open up. She is nauseated and coughing up thick yellow mucous. All this struggle is from being intubated twice in less than 48 hours. It stirred up something in her lungs and now we have a new battle on our hands. She looks miserable. Feels miserable. Is miserable. I'm doing my best to be positive as I wait for the pathology reports from Wednesdays biopsy. Its very true what we were told about Ash getting worse before anything starts to get better. I'm having a hard time watching her decline a little more each day.


I've been trying to write this post forever, but things just keep happening. Ash's struggling with a huge, swollen tummy that is making it so hard for her to be comfortable. As soon as the blood and platelets, and thymo(all running in at the same time) finished infusing her blood pressures bottomed out. So scary! Hearts pounding, running around, trying to figure out what happened. Albumin was hung immediately. She is now resting, on oxygen support, not sleeping, but still. She looks as though she's been in the fight of her life and lost except that its not over yet. I just hope so desperately that she defies the odds and wins. No matter how she looks, I just need a win.
BUT...

Allie is on her way. Yep, our Allison will be here sometime late tonight. Dave's mom is bringing her to spend the week with us out here. My beautiful girl will be here to keep Ash and I company. I can't wait to see her. I've missed her so much, She makes me laugh every single day. She is so much fun.

Al needs to be here. She's been asking some really hard questions lately and the only thing we know to do is have her here so she can see first hand how Ashley is. She doesn't want to take our word for it. She needs to see her. She is hoping she can make Ash smile if even for just a moment or two. So much is going on in Allie's heart right now and my heart hurts for her as she tries to figure it all out. She's scared. Scared for Ashley. Scared about how long I will be here. Scared about going to a new school without a mom to help her. Scared. She told Dave that 7th grade was going to be just like 3rd grade. When he asked what she meant she said, "I had to go to a new school without a mom then and now I have to start a new school without a mom again." It breaks my heart for her. But... today she's on her way here with her grandma and that makes us all very happy. I can't wait to see that sweet girl! Its going to be hard on her, but its what we think she needs to get peace and understanding as opposed to us just disappearing.

The guys are out shopping and none to happy about it. Blake leaves for his mission trip in the morning and nothing had been bought or prepared yet. They are cracking me up and providing some much needed comic relief this afternoon. They just don't get it. They went to lunch and one store then had to call and ask me why I was torturing them. Their feet were hurting! After one store! I love them so much and it is heart wrenching to not be their with them, but I know they are good for each other. Just hanging out and trying to pack. Who knows what Blake will end up with for this trip. It should be really interesting.

Ash is finally still and I'm ready to drop. I just can't shake the exhaustion. Some days and nights are too much. I'm so tired. This post is rambling. I'm really sorry. I tried to complete my thoughts, but after reading it I'm not to sure I did.