Haunting

I look into the eyes of my daughter and I see a haunting sadness within them. It pains me to see that her joy has been stolen. Not a picture can be found in our archives over the last year that does not exude the joy and the abundance with which our sweet Ashley lives her life. Now all I see is pain, hurt, confusion, and fear. Oh, the ache I feel deep in my soul. How I desire to give her life back, to restore to her all that she has lost over this past month. My sweet, sweet girl I miss you so very much. I so want you back. All of you.

I truly believe that if we were to keep Ashely Kate in this hospital room over the upcoming months that she may indeed be lost to us forever. I feel it inside of me. Its that feeling and the haunting look in her eyes that pushes me daily to fight for toward home. She has to go home. Home where she will once again begin to trust others. Home where she feels safe. Home where happiness abounds inside the walls. Home where she can be free of strangers hands and the intrusions on her body. Home. I have to take Ash home. If it be for days, weeks, months or years its where our daughter belongs.

This morning a plan was put into action. A plan to take us home.

Tomorrow she is scheduled for surgery at 1pm. It makes me ill thinking of all that she has endured at the hands of those attempting line placements in her body the last few weeks. Still we are left with no other choice but to sign consent and allow them to try again. The first choice is the right femoral. There are no guarantees. The next choice is the left femoral. The left side is where all the infected wounds were. They have begun to heal. Only one remains open and oozing. If neither femoral is successful then I will have signed consent for them to place a hepatic central line through her transplanted liver. Its dangerous. Not the option we want for her to have to live with, but again it may be our only option left. There is the one sub clavian vein that may or may not be able to have the blockage removed, but the surgeons are adamant that we must save that line if an attempt at re transplant is to be made. Even then its not guaranteed that it will work, but we have to hold on to that just in case. I will not sign consent for an attempted placement there at this time. Its out of the question.

If a line is successfully placed then we are looking at a potential discharge on Tuesday of next week. Its the plan. Its our hope. Its all we've got to look forward to at this time. Taking Ashley Kate home and trying to survive until our team reaches a decision. Bitter sweet will be our time at home. Bitter knowing that it may be our last days together, sweet because if it is to be her last days its where we want to spend them.

Your prayers for us and for Ashley tonight going in to tomorrow are so appreciated. I'm scared for her. This has to work or we are out of options. I know it won't come easy and may come at a high price. Its going to be a long night of anticipating what tomorrow will bring to our gherkin.