I'm Sitting...

...here with the recliner pulled up next to the side of my daughter's hospital bed. I have the railing down so that I can be as close to her as possible. I watch the rapid rise and fall of her chest and I can actually see her lungs expanding and retracting with each breath. My heart aches as I watch how violently she "rests". I'm aware that inside of her tiny body a war is raging. You can see the effects of that war on her face and in the violent way her body is breathing. There is no peace in her slumber. No healing. No escape. The drugs have her eyes closed tight, but the physical signs of the struggle are evident. My eyes are glued to the screen of the monitor. I know things aren't right. I can feel it. I can see it. Her body is battling an enemy, one I thought we had removed from it 10 days ago. Even with its removal the fight has been left behind. She is still fighting to survive the damage done by that enemy. Still holding on with everything that she has.

I miss her. I miss her desperately. How can I be so close to her and miss her so very much? My sweet Ashley Kate is not here. Not at this time. She is lost in a world of pain and medication and struggle. Her smile is absent from our lives. Her laughter has disappeared. Her precious twinkly eyes no longer shine. I miss my baby.

I want the world to stop. STOP! Why does it get to continue on for everyone else when ours is shattering before our very eyes? Who deserves to smile and laugh and be happy when my children are broken on their very insides and holding their outsides together as much as they can? Please tell me why this world can't pause for one moment and acknowledge that my family is crumbling underneath the weight of this journey? Its not that I want anyone else to ever have to live life like this its just that the laughter in the hallways is like a knife slicing into me. I feel so frustrated that school is going to start, 5 year old babies will be attending kindergarten without my sweet Ashley, a 12 year old beauty will be headed off to class on a brand new campus without a mom to share the experience with, and my 14 year old son will begin his high school days with an absent parent. I'm hurting! I'm dying on the inside! I need to lie next to my husband each night and hold onto his hand underneath the pillow. I need to kiss my children's foreheads as they have just drifted off to sleep. I need to take our daughter home.

Every day I feel as though its getting farther and farther away instead of it becoming one day closer. As I watch the outward signs of the struggle inside Ashley Kate's body I am haunted with memories of where these things lead. We've done this before. I've seen these signs. I hate this part of our life. HATE IT!!!

I hurt so bad inside of me. I am physically able to feel the pain inside of my heart. Its not just words. Its real. So real it impairs my ability to function. I have to force myself to keep going moment to moment. If I could disappear I would. If I could grab a hold of the hands of each one of our children and run along side my husband from this journey I would. In a heartbeat and never look back. I need to take our family and leave. I feel the need to save us. To try and preserve us as we are because the road ahead is changing us. I see it in my husbands eyes. I feel it in my heart. We are being changed in these moments and I can't promise you that it for the better. There are no guarantees that we will all come out on the other side of this as the people we are supposed to be.

Carefree days are what these children should be experiencing. The excitement of a new school year and new opportunity. Instead our youngest struggles daily to survive, our Allie desperately tries to keep herself together, and my son's heart breaks into a million pieces at the thought of losing his baby sister. How I wish I could spare them all from the ugliness of this transplant world. How I wish I could save Dave and I from it.

Since I can't have any of these things I just sit next to her bed and allow the tears to flow down my cheeks. Its all I do have at this moment. Tears.