If You Could See

If you could see the love in his eyes or hear the tenderness in her voice or witness the peace that comes across her face then maybe you could understand the depth of the hurt Dave and I are experiencing as we face the idea of the three of them not growing up together. I sat and watched my children minister to their baby sister today. Tears stung my eyes as I witnessed how sweetly Blake filled her water cup and offered it to her. He stood by her bed and cared for her with such love. As he lay across her bed she peeked open her eyes then stretched out her legs and rested her tiny feet upon his chest. My heart smiled. She may not have a smile on her face or a twinkle in her eye, but there was peace that oozed from her body with her big brother near. I've listened to Ash cry out in the night for the last two for "bubba". The night she was going into surgery I whispered to my girl that someone special was on his way to give her kisses and her eyes popped open and she said "bubba". This girl loves her big brother and he loves her.

Tonight Allie leaned down to whisper in her ear, "Happy Birthday baby girl. I'm so glad to be back with you. Good night." How precious to this momma's heart to witness how very much she is loved by her big sister. My sweet, sweet girls. They belong together.

What a joy it has been to have them together. My big kids are so much fun. They make me laugh out loud when my heart is breaking. They bring a lightness into the room with their presence and to be honest this room has been heavy for a very long time.

I am blessed. I am so blessed. I love my kids. I really, really, really love these young people. Even if I weren't their mom I know I would like them. They are so amazing. They love each other fiercely and nothing makes me prouder than to witness that between them. I'm so afraid of what this experience is going to do to them.

We talk about Ash no longer having any guts, and then we realize she has more guts than any of us combined. Blake and I wondered out loud as we walked down the hallway behind our baby's stroller how in the world she was supposed to grow up without any guts. We aren't sure how to live this life and figuring it out is going to take some time.

I was so touched to see my kids jump back into their rolls with Ashley Kate. They love her so much and tonight they were able to look past the bandages, incisions, wounds, and markings and just see Ashley Kate. They see her for who they know her to be. They see her as perfect. They truly see her.

Its been a long day. My heart is full of concern as we face what tomorrows procedure will bring. My hope is that it takes place early in the morning before the kids are up and over here. If she is left on the ventilator its going to be devastating. We have been working so hard to get her awake and as strong as she could possibly be before Saturday. I know it will break our hearts if she is unable to attend what we have planned for her. I'm so tired of being burdened for her. Tired of carrying this heavy, heavy load. I'm praying for a day of easy. Healing. Recovery. Peace. To come her way. My 5 year old could use a break. She really and truly could.

Good night guys. I'm worn out. Emotionally exhausted and struggling to keep my eyes open.