Running Out

Each second, minute, hour of the day I am aware that time is running out. As each day stretches into a new day on the calendar I feel a pain shoot through me. Its now Monday, August 9, and that makes it two weeks from Monday, August 23. Do you know what that date means? It means Blake's high school days will officially begin, what should be the best times of his life, and Allie's middle school career gets underway. Here I sit 14 days out, 700 miles away, wishing, hoping, willing and praying for our Ashley to become stable enough to take home. 14 days away and not one school supply has been bought, no new clothes or shoes, no schedules written on the calendar, not one thing to prepare my children for this new time in their lives has been done. As a mother I can't help but feel as though I'm failing them. Say what you want, its a mom's job to take care of these things, and I haven't. Without saying one word about it I can see it on their faces. The wonder of who will be there for them, who will accomplish these things, who will take care of it all. This is the other side of my life. The feeling torn in two as I battle to keep the 5 of us together. All of this carries a very, heavy load of guilt that I can't shake not to mention the grieving I do over missing out on the final days of summer with them and all their activities.

Ashley Kate is septic. Battling a psuedomonas infection from inside her abdominal cavity where the diseased bowel was removed. Not much I can even write about the feelings of disappointment in this room. The wash out was necessary yesterday, but it spread the bacteria throughout her system and she is now struggling against it. A minimum two week course of treatment is required. Where does that leave us for attempted line placement? "Lets see what the next 2 days bring and talk about it after that. Potentially the end of the week?" We had hoped to schedule line placement for tomorrow and be home by the weekend. Not going to happen.

Here's the deal - a central line = us taking Ashley home. The moment one is placed, plans will be made to get us out of here. The end.

So there you have it. With each tick of the clock the time is running out on me. I have two weeks from yesterday to make it home in time to pray with my big kids, hug them tight, snap a few pictures of one of the biggest days of their lives to date, and drive them across the street to their campuses. In my world it doesn't get any better than that. Knowing my kids were loved on, encouraged, and sent off into the world with the assurance that their mom would be waiting for them as soon as the last bell rings.

I'm not asking for a lot. Just the opportunity to parent all 3 of my children because they all deserve to have a mom.