Glimpses

Happy Holidays from The Adams

Tonight if you could see, if you could catch a glimpse, if only for a moment into my heart you would see and perhaps understand what shaky ground I feel as though I stand upon. There are two sides to my heart at this time in my life.

There is joy and there is pain. There is happiness and there is sadness. There is peace and there is also turmoil. There is understanding and there is confusion. Every day, every where I look I find the two sides to my heart emerging.

At one moment I will feel such joy as I catch a glimpse of our sweet Ashley's eyes as they light up at the sights and sounds of the season and it will be followed with great pain as I wonder if this will be the last season she experiences.


At one moment I will feel so incredibly happy as I catch a glimpse of Blake and Dave through the kitchen window as they battle it out in a game of one on one, and then a heavy sadness will overtake me as I think of how much I'm going to miss that when I go back to Omaha.

At one moment I think I understand His plan and His purpose for all that our Ashley endures as I catch a glimpse of a bigger picture when Ihear the many stories of life changing impact our tiny girl has had on this world, and then I watch her sleep at night and the confusion in my heart is so great as I wonder why her? why now? why at all?

I am finding the cracks in my heart beginning to emerge almost daily as we approach the re-evaluation. I hurt so bad. I try every single day to ignore the pain and be so present in the time we are being blessed with. I found myself frozen Saturday afternoon as I attempted to go into the department store. I could not get out of the car. Out of nowhere these emotions of pain and sadness and anger and hurt and confusion emerged and I sat in my car and cried and cried and cried. I couldn't go in. I couldn't go home. I couldn't do anything but cry.

Just today as I watched the kids play with Ashley Kate emotions again overtook me and I cried tears of happiness, peace, joy, and thanksgiving. Truly my heart was so very grateful to have those moments. I was a complete mess.

My closest friends know how very scared I am. They know the fears that overtake me as I drive through town. There are places that cause great pain and hurt to emerge that I can't predict. Some days I sob so hard as I drive down the streets. I feel as though nothing is sure. The ground underneath my feet is shaking and I'm doing my best to keep standing. A good friend encouraged me to allow myself to fall, to feel it all, to experience the pain rather than trying to ignore it. Although its tempting I know myself and I know that the moment I allow it to take over that I will no longer be the person I am. It will cripple me. It will stop me from being, and doing and feeling. I will lose myself in the hurt and hardship and I will cease to function.

Instead I refuse to waste the time I'm being given. I concentrate on her smile and her joy and her amazing ability to make our family complete. I look in her face and I see all that is precious and priceless. Just one look at those eyes and my heart swells with happiness. She is living life so fully. Each moment so full of joy. I love her so much. So very much.

Enjoy the glimpses into our holiday week so far and see how very good God has been and still is to our family. Even though I'm struggling between the two parts of our life right now I can't deny His goodness and His presence in this place.

Ashley Kate radiates joy

Allie teaches "Santa" how to play Ashley's favorite game

Blake and Ash