Quiet

The house is so quiet. Dave took Allie straight to volleyball practice from basketball. Blake just left for youth group. Ash is sleeping under her christmas tree in the play room. I'm sitting here in the dark, listening to carols play and watching the flame on the candle flicker.

I'd wrap gifts except that I've finished already. I'd do some laundry except that I'm out of laundry soap. I'd cook dinner except there is no one home to eat it. So...I'm enjoying the quiet. Allowing the sights and the smells of our home to infiltrate my heart so deeply. I hope to never forget this time in our lives.

So many thoughts run through my head each day. I wish Ash could stay this way forver. I NEVER want to take her back to Nebraska. I don't want to take this happy, smiley, little girl and put her through the nightmare of transplant again. I don't want to do this. But...more than not wanting to do this again...is not wanting to give her up. Its an impossible situation with even more impossible odds of things turning out the way we hope for them too. When I sit still too long this is what happens. My heart begins to hurt as the possibilities of her future run through my head.

I need to get up and find something to do for the next two hours. I guess I'll go clean a closet or something. Anything to keep my mind from going to the places I try so desperately to avoid. I picked up her new transplant bedding from the embroidery shop this week. It needs to be packed. Funny thing happened...she grew up. Imagine that! Her tiny blankets didn't work anymore so I have replaced them wonderful, soft, monogrammed sheets and blankets for her beds. The one here at home and the ones in the hospitals. Nothing makes me happier than monogrammed blankets:) Dave just doesn't get it, but thats ok. He smiles and nods his head as I oooh and aaaah over her name and initials. Time to fluff then fold them all nice and neatly into her suitcases.